Crisp.

The smell of fresh leaves,
the crisp sound of crushing old ones.
The mist in the air,
as it melts on my skin.

Its a routine we do,
Its ours till the end.
Its a feeling we make,
Its for us to live within.

Walking with a heavy head,
and sometimes light as air,
What is it that is wanted from us?
or from you? or from me?

Just silence and a little pain,
just noise and some joy.
A gulp and a breath,
to keep walking on.

Is it that's all there?
Is there more we're yet to see.
It seems a never-ending road,
or one that's just begun instead.

Haze in my head,
Dewy - my heart,
Quite - my mind,
They say its the perfect moment to pray.

...

Been 'springcleaning' for the past few days...though its a pleasant *and oh so rare* 14 degrees outside SubhanAllah ... =)

Newho, the back of one's cupboard (or the half of one's shelving & wardrobe unit) can be a beautiful yet surreal, reminiscence-causing  area. The photographs, the keepsakes, the souvenirs and those no1-knows-i-saved-this items can hold an entire lifetime within them when you've not even lived half of your life =D..

Well, let's just say amidst all the sweet memories made & touching experiences had..there are the inevitable bunch of grand-hiccups down the road .. the let-me-sing-loudly-to-myself-to-forget-that-ever-happened twists to our otherwise sunny bright journey.. And when you've had your fair share of these hiccups, or are bombarded by them one after the other for a signficant amount of time......... you become a sort've of "nostalgia-phobe".
You begin to dread missing anything ... there's a whole lotta bitter in that jar of sweet.. the emo in you is heavier on the see-saw than you're happy-go-lucky side.... you're still living out the part where it'll all balance and become a "mixed bag" or a series of "ups and downs"..... it's still a waiting period & you'd much rather anticipate & hope for the result uphill than cherish the effort at the bottom.

No surprises if I can relate to any of that.. although thankfully, I seem to be gradually making peace with the entire bitter part and actually begin to enjoy it as the unique aftertaste to AMPLE sweet I've had in my life so far Alhamdulilah =)..

Here's some post-appropriate lyrics from "Yaad" by Shehzad Roy (which is his only piece that I like):

Yaad 

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh naey gilay woh shikayatein 

Woh maze maze ki hikayathein

Kabhi rooththe kabhi maanthe

Woh sitham kabhi woh inayathein

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo din thay kitnay ajeeb thay,

Haan bus aik se naseeb thay.

Kay judaa na houn yahi khauwf tha,

Kabhi hum bhi itna qareeb thay.

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

....dewy memories aside, g'nite folks! ;)

My demons & my muse.

I thought I may as well churn the cheesy-cheese.
Write about how I felt - for my own relief.

And how I felt wasn't that uplifting or nice,
Something of the sort you'd call "quiet a surprise."

It wasn't supposed to feel as uncomfortable as this,
What you didn't really have.. how could you miss?

I wasn't meant to breath this unknown air,
I'd rather lay my heart bare.

That it would leave a little lump in my throat,
That it would carve a fleshy hole.

I didn't see it coming & hitting me this hard,
Expectations only work to raise the bar.

There's no good that ever comes out of them,
Why dwell into what you don't comprehend?

I would be forced to seek another refuge,
Neglecting your ears to preserve my muse.

I yearn to know what in me you fight,
I need to know I'm in this right.

That my prose would be shoved away with a sweet sugar coat,
A whiff of arrogance in a praise-worthy note.

I do not expect it for I do intend to be fair,
Yet humanity presents in imperfections my share.

I do pray it never matters as much as this night,
That I'm forever awed by the days bright.

Sight

I don't know what's going wrong,
what is right.
In the craziest ride along,
I've held on tight.
A sense of where we belong,
hoping for an actual sight.
Praying with an urge so strong,
for there to be no..
...nightmare tonight.

Around the house!

Continuing from the previous post, being home has its advantages.. you finally get down to completing those half-done diy projects, here are some of mine:

Part of a wall-mural I made.. Some of the butterflies are popping out cuz they've been stuck on, while others have been painted =]

A runner-and-seat-cover set I fashioned from some scrap cloth.

Canvas wall hangings, also fashioned from scrap cloth.

Oooh (off topic) and a butterfly stopped by our house the other day =D

A pillow case I stitched recently.. Scrap Cloth diy again.

Have been cooking loads lately so maybe I should be starting a "Dudey's Kitchen" Series ;)

Around town!

Been cooped up in the house for too long, here's a few out and about pics from my world:

A tiny fountain at the Abu Dhabi Corniche, that's absolutely lovely in the winters.

A dash of red amidst all the city-grey..

Rare, abstract sign art in Auh.

Driving into the Sunshine =D .. Dubai-Abu Dhabi Highway..

That's one long title for a movie! (in Malayalam I believe)

A construction site being fitted with designer panels that look like wedding brides with veils.

Quirky, damn-expensive socks I discovered while gift-shopping.

Quote plates at Gulf Greetings.

Quote plate with a point! (Gulf-Greetings)

I really like this teddy and he appears here as a stuffed toy.. with barely any eyes so he's almost Halal i guess =D

Creative advertising, much?

Genuinely cute trolley bag I discovered, at a tiny shop, near my place.

Dudey's Doodles II

A doodle with an explanation.. a labelled illustration, if you will.

Also, this may not be how I look like in the real world, but as Morpheus explained to Neo in the Matrix: 

"Your appearance now is what we call "residual self image". It is the mental projection of your digital self." ;-)

Nightly Demons.

Two little demons haunted me last night. Here's the results of those mental conversations:

"Do's and Don'ts"

Don't blow me a kiss,
I'll spit it out.
Don't whisper to me,
Unless you wanna hear me shout.
Don't gaze into my limpid pools,
I'll drown you instead.
Don't express your sentiments,
Unless you wanna lose your head.
Don't bring me your inner-most wounds to heal,
Unless its a bullet you want to feel.

DO look away from this worthless being.
unless you wish to become a part of what you're seeing.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Who's to say?"

Is it just me or did the fog in my head just expand?
Must I really experience life first hand?
Time and again, I find myself searching for the pause button.
Couldn't the "show" go on with a drawn curtain?
They say change is constant - it has no end,
Heck, why must time be thus spent?
They say life can't be lived in a box shut tight,
but what if within it my peace lies?
I could keep questioning every turn, skip and step,
But who's to say what I'll love, what I'll regret.

A Dizzy Daze..

Round and round.. here's the spin.  I grab on tight till the very end. The floor goes up, the ceiling dives down. The whole wide world whirls around.
And when it stops, I smash into the glass. A pounding heart but silence atlast! The slide down, ever-so-soothing. Like flowing water, like dripping ink.

Not everlasting, its just a phase. Not a chaos, I'm in a dizzy daze.

Interculture.

You've got it all figured out, the path seems simple. Things are as clear as they can be in a real situation involving real people.

Principles, ethics, religion - its all in place.

Enter: Culture.

And then nothing is. No longer simple or straightforward, the world wobbles and repositions everything. Opinions, feelings, traditions - its all over the place.

Sometimes its too fine a line to walk and ironically, this one excruciating effort of giving in to culture isn't considered a step, let alone a huge one. Forget about the gesture of appreciation, it isn't even respected much. It's like a disease you had and now you better cure yourself, before you throw offences in every possible direction. In some cases, it is ignored just so it 'goes away'. Let's pretend you don't have this disease, so maybe you'll end up cured. In other cases, its considered an inevitable measure so why make a big deal out of it anyway?! Let's all together forget about acknowledging it at all.

I write this from the point-of-view of one who's grown up in a multi-cultural environment - rendering me an amateur in e.v.e.r.y. traditional context.

A word to the wise: respect.

Coffee beans on the couch.

[Found this draft in my archives, that never got published, but I absolutely miss these times! Reminiscent post, actually dated 27th Sept. '10]


Cruising 'round town in a Nissan Coaster Bus at 8.30 in the morning.. looking for an out, from the city to the highway... the change of routes adds the seaside to our view.. a welcome vision indeed. Off to work and the best kinda company.. food, heartfelt words, photoshop, confessions, graphics, warmth.. back on the bus before you know it.

A quick nap on the leather seat.. then the walk home.. chores, messed up sleep routine, messed up appetite. A quick stop in the blogworld.

[Alhamdulilah, for those memories...]

In search..

Raised above the clouds,

Drenched by the tides,

Fluttering merrily about,

Diving dangerously deep.

Soaring through the skies,

Drowning in the seas,

In search of patience,

In search of our peace..

Destiny and meaning.

So there are times you feel life has no direction and everything is all over the place, everywhere.. EXCEPT where it should be. Then there are times you don't care, bow ur head n just keep walking through it. Turns out, there are also times where destiny gives you a tiny wake up call for majorly meaningful stuff coming up. It needs you to start paying attention.

I won't dive into cosmic calculations and meteorological meaning here but long story short - i got one of those wake up calls today. It's amazing how life works.. things falling out and in place, events unfolding in the weirdest ways.. I don't mean this in an unpractical optimistic way. It's the reality - things occur in a mystical manner, pieces don't fit and then those very pieces mold themselves into new ones.... and before you know you have new meaning to life. 

Courtesy Destiny. It means a lot.

A new day.

Oh mischievous Mr. Sun,
You do know, it's no longer fun,
To mock the brevity of  my size, 
or liken it to the span of my life.
To be mysterious - I can only see so little of you,
But your glow never fails to weave through,
my life & the highlights of my existence.
I loathe the dark-knightly-pretense,
of leaving me in bliss and peace,
so you can face the stormy seas, 
to reach over alone to the other end,
still looking over me with a moonly stance.
Realize, you can never make the two sides meet,
better yet - just retreat.
Come join me, in an eternal embrace.
Come float with me, in your soothing blaze.
Through the mesmerizing strands of your gold rays,
With the blinding beauty of your face
- You make my day start.
Mr. Sun, you have my heart.

A new sight

It's this new sight you're giving me. This different vision I've never seen before. Like being blindfolded and learning to identify objects just by the feel of them - you teach different from what I know.

And even though you contradict my knowledge sometimes, give things a different name, I like the melody of how it works.. how we work within that time frame.. and I follow, I learn this.. all knew, I see it in a different view.

For these are just objects and there worth is nothing more. The worth of what I seek is a million-fold more vital.. I pray to make it eternal.. that's the background to whatever I see =)

Up, up and Away!

Alhamdulilah, things are finally beginning to sort out. The "solid" sense of faith slowly returns, bringing along the mesmerizing feeling of the Almighty's Love and my love for Him. An amazing source of strength was found in these words. Dude's got it completely figured out, MashaAllah. I love how he lays out the process and emphasizes the need for spirituality.
On a parallel note, been working with the principles of The Sedona Method. Basically, the book by Lester Levinson which talks about our Self as an infinite, unlimited being. What Lester refers to is actually the soul, or Rooh in Arabic. He states that this Self is independent of the body or mind and does not know any limitations. Thus, he says nothing is impossible to happen around us. 
In fact, these are the characteristics of the Ashraf-ul-Makhloqat, the highest of all beings, that the Almighty has made us. Our limitations come only at the point of being His Creation. However, we have the aid of the Creator Himself and thus nothing IS impossible to happen around us.
Moreover, Lester talks about the concept how things are already perfect around us and within us, because we are this unlimited Self. Thus he says, if we think the world's working against our will, it is truly our thoughts that make us see it so. He insists that we stop our thoughts, "quiet the mind" so as to release this perception in order to realize our perfect Self. 
How I see this, the Almighty has in fact the best plans and all around us, they are unfolding. Hence, negative suspicions, or these destructive thoughts, are actually forbidden Islam, as is depression and hopelessness. When you genuinely believe in the Almighty's Perfection and in the Perfection of the world around you, where is the space for a lacking or a deficiency of hope?! When a lacking doesn't exist, why must it be filled? In order to stop the process of thinking and conjuring up a list of the lackings in our mind, I find that the Islamic way of meditation provides the best method of "quieting" the mind while feeling the harmony and Love for the Almighty.
Now the book by Lester discusses the concepts in great detail as it follows the journey of Lester discovering them himself. I have condensed it, perhaps with little justice to his words, into an explanation of my basic understanding. 
Nevertheless, my point here is that the more I read about how we must let go and let God (one of Lester's phrases again) the more I realize the importance of Tawakkul and Spirituality that I must now (about time!) realize within me. Alhamdulilah for being born with the gift of Islam in my household.
I love Allah and I must now solely be the witness of what His Love makes me do in this World and in the HereAfter. 

Subtle Sense

It's the calm after the storm.. They've all been working, praying to calm it, calm me. It's just a fear, I know.. a fear of whether this is yet again, the calm before a storm.. whether the worse is yet to come, or worser yet, it's here. But, Alhamdulilah, it's not. It's over. There's no more turmoil and very little upset. Nothing actually to be termed an upset. Just natural processes, humanly steps.. Why is it almost difficult to accept that there's no more to be anxious about? I haven't always known things to be so chaotic, I've been more used to the calm state of being, Alhamdulilah. Then why does that recent disturbance more real than it actually is? 
Maybe it's because I was taken off guard.. but then again how O-n-T-h-e-A-l-e-r-t can a person be? It's destiny after all, it's life. And the Almighty is our only stable connection to hold on to.. Why on Earth would I look elsewhere for strength?! I won't. Perhaps one of the greater gains I'm rooting for here, is to come out of this soon, and with a much stronger faith InshaAllah. That's the lesson here, I believe: the need to believe harder with deeper faith.
So here's a general request to my non-existent readers, please pray that Dudey strengthens her bonds with the Almighty and settles into her daily routines with a greater sense of Him, drawing strength and peace all through. (Amin).

Happy New Year :)

Yes, for those of you who think I'm a little ahead of the times, I don't mean the upcoming new year on the BC calender but the Islamic New Year! An addition to count of the Hijri.. In remembrance of a Great Journey, made by the Greatest of People, the Beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)... 1434 years ago, He migrated to the City of Madinah to spread the message of His Lord. May the Almighty guide us towards a life based on his principles and Sunnahs. Amin.

Beginning the New Year with a fresh approach: Been facing some fears this past week that require my sole reliance on the Almighty... a strong faith basically.. So the added perspective to that is:

I'm in the hands of the Almighty,

One of His Many Mesmerizing Creations is This: 

I'm Gonna Be Fine  ;) 

Flippin' Me

Dudey's heart is a grain in the hourglass. 

It keeps flipping back and forth between the two halves - in the future waiting to become present or in the past buried by the present. 

It keeps floating up and down - in the peaceful solitude or in the distrusting isolation.

It keeps being turned around - a new direction, a new era, a new emotion every time. 

Mental Screen Capture: Sense or the I Pause I

Emotionally drained.

That's the phrase, right at the top, smack center on my mental report. 

It's a mostly empty paper otherwise. There's only these deeply embedded scribbles that aren't visible in ink. An insane number of times other scraps of paper have been kept on this one. And then someone would write on that scrap. These scribbles on my paper, are just the impressions of those writings. Just the ditches they've dug on the surface of my mental report. 

The irony this had led to: the paper appears to be utterly blank, it's touch feels ever so uneven. When you stare at it from the back you could be fooled by the texture, you'd think a kid went insane scribbling all over it. Turning it over, you see it's empty.
And when it's your own mental report, you don't feel the disappointment. Because you're emotionally drained. You're incapable of being provoked. You're indifferent. You live the today just as yesterday, probably like tomorrow. Because that's the mechanism, it may Not be monotonous but it doesn't inspire any emotion either.
And you're tired. Just so tired. On your mental screen, you're searching for the pause button. D.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.l.y. You want to pause existence. You don't want a break to a far off Caribbean destination to relax. For now, you don't want a destination to go or a muscle fiber to relax. For now, you want to pause your purposes, your hurdles, your achievements, your existence.
And you know what the strangest part is? Intensely in this state of mind, you still want to stare at these certain eyes.
Because you feel like these eyes are your Pause-button from everything else. They mesmerize you enough, they spread this strange feeling that settles your own existence on a breeze so it gets blown away. And No! you're not supposed to be making them your escape. No, you shouldn't look at them every time you look away from everything else.
No, these are eyes- a door to an existence- not your escape zone. You should stop escaping into their glance.
Somewhere in the stack of idle senses within you, you need to find a heart to do that.
Yet right now, your empty report makes it impossible to take any notes.
Right now, you just add to the ditches dug on it's surface.