Gigantic-ville

A couple of summers ago, I watched the early seasons of Smallville (and left it at that, don't judge me =D). And I remember this scene where Chloe tells young Clark Kent that he vents out his sorrow by doing heavy-duty chores on his dad's farm. Hah! I'd thought. Who does that when they're sad? If they were angry I'd understand.. You'd wana throw about a couple of haystacks.. but the sad emotion is more of a subtly pulsing yet chaotic one for me and I always assumed everyone had the same wana-stay-away-from-Planet-Earth feeling as me.
My assumptions came to an end today.. A certain unwanted, sad, feeling had emerged this morning as I sat at work.. The realization of an aspect of my life, that I had realized last week but No! my brain decided to reset the realization from square one.. It's been doing that lately with too many emotions.
Anyways, focusing on this sad feeling for now.. As it grew overwhelming strong, what did I do? Indulge in food for comfort? No. Sleep off the sorrow? Negative. Go watch the sunset? Not at all.
Of all the possible channels for my sorrow, I decided upon..... changing the setting of the Entire Library at our house!! That's 7 Full-sized, Jam-packed Bookshelves!!!
Today's the only day I have to finish the job. Plus my mom, obviously, expects the books to be arranged chronologically/ as per the serial number/ alphabetically and in all other sorts of arrangement options existing.
What was I thinking?! I DON'T KNOW! All I remember from this morning was unloading heavy sets of books from the shelves and feeling the weight on my heart shift to the physical one in my hands. And I kept at it.. till all the bookshelves were empty.
The guys have shifted them around as I'd instructed, the brothers grumbled as I'd expected, the infant-nephew had a hell of a time throwing things about, the ladies of the house nodded in appreciation.. Now I, the sole Tarzan of the family, have to put everything back!
Trust me, when I say it's a GIGANTIC job! Need I mention every family member is a book lover - all 3 generations, well the baby loves to chew at them atleast..
Considering the pattern of things.. my channels for venting out.. the resulting job that lays ahead of me.. for the next 5 hours straight.. I'd pray I'm one happy-go-lucky girl for months to come! =/

An Oath to Blog by...

So I've been doing some light reading lately... exploring the blog scene on a regular basis.. and I've learnt one thing about good bloggers aka great writers aka a treat to their readers-> They don't write like me.
I don't mean that in a self-depreciating way... like my grammar doesn't suck, atleast I is the hoping it is the case by pay loadsa attention to what I writing, no? I don't make too many spelling mistakes, except this one time when I spelled a word so severely wrong that the spell-checker didn't even have any suggestions for it!
No, the problem I believe, lies in the target audience I have in mind... Me! =D
See, now probably all you millions of readers out there have to decipher my previous blogs just to get a faint idea of what the hell I'm going on about.. It's a bit Too abstract, I realize, for any reader who's not me. For I have a gala time recollecting all the flashbacks I go through as I scroll down this blog.. You, dear reader may use it as a lullaby instead.
So as a tribute to all the amazing bloggers out there, all those genuinely thought-provoking pieces I've read, all the inspiration collecting inside..
I hereby take an oath to write less abstract, more simplistic, realistic (perhaps even journalistic!) pieces, that my readers currently think I have a handicap for. ;) 
- Dudey
P.S.: Hope I translate some of this inspiration into my final year graduation project too! InshaAllah =)

Of Fantasies and Philosophies...

I don't have too many... Fantasies and Philosophies. Well at least not as many as an average girl my age, I assure you. 

But thanks to these pair of eyes, pretty long lashes and all, that have floated into my world.. there seems to be one constant fantasy I keep dreaming up... a world I find myself wishing for. 

A world where there are windows to people's hearts. No not doors, just windows. So once in a while you can peep and see how the heart's feeling.. once in a while someone can show you how you've changed theirs. You can not walk into the heart so you don't know why it's feeling that way (reasons bring the confusion rite?! :D) ..but you can just see how it looks on the outside.

What's the philosophy behind this fantasy? You see some of us non-verbal folks out here.. are completely incapable of ever conveying exactly how they feel.. to someone they want to tell it to. No I don't mean the usual film-like confession of love or so... But genuine feelings that aren't necessarily logical or have words. Feelings that can only be felt... like moments that pass on from one heart to another. 

Now some folks would say it'd be too easy.. it would become too common a practice to show someone they made you joyful or hurt you.. it would mean people would stop using words. 

But to me.. it seems like if people could see other's hearts change and hurt or heal.. they'd be a lot more careful.. they'd be a lot more responsible for what they share or hide.. they'd be less effort in finding the right words and more effort doing the right deeds. And of course, you could have the choice of closing the window shut to certain folks.. it won't be like carrying your heart on your sleeve.. Just those few people you think deserve to see your heart maybe because they've left a deep scar or a lingering glow.. they could see what they'd done.. it would be an honest transparency for them to accept. 

And imagine the intense loyalty when some one would open the window to their heart.. for you..it would feel so like an honour..

I actually did dream this up for myself....a complete picture of floating windows and hearts within.. i dreamt it just because of these certain ever-mesmerizing eyes.. the purely amazing heart that accompanies these eyes..deserves a view of how brilliantly it makes my day... just by it's existence.

-----------------------------------------------

{Alhamdulilah}  

Constantly Wow. Consecutively Amazing.

It's Constant.. that's the most creepy yet utterly delightful aspect to it.. That's the most risky yet absolutely significant proof.. it's Much more constant than anything I've witnessed in my life... so very Constant... you know how vulnerable that makes me right?!
Over and over again I find it exactly where it should be. Over and over again it dawns upon me where it stands... constantly, I'm amazed. Constantly, I thank God. Every single time I look, I see it right there.. next to me.. there for me.. Constantly I'm surprised.. constantly pleased.. constantly loving every bit of it.
If you really know me, you'd say I'm Not someone who leaves things to chance or probabilities.. heck, I've this utter need to find the sense in every little feeling of mine.. the logic, the reasoning..
But with this constant aspect.. I just realize it, every single time I realize some more, it hits me how far I've come.. how on it's own, it's made an unmatched impression in me.. a mark, the depth of which I just keep realizing a little more every day.. constantly.
And slowly... ever so gradually.. I'm learning to trust this realization.. to trust that whatever I may realize can constantly be a good thing.. can consecutively be an advantage after another... I'm learning to trust it just as much as I trust all my reasons and explanations.. I'm learning to hold on to the constant..
You know what all of it boils down to?!.. How soon a vulnerability can turn into a right. Wow, I just wrote that here.

Vortex

I'm a permanent resident of the vortex, aren't I?! =D (and apparently that's funny to me now =/ , stupid woman).. I do travel to other more stable parts that seem like I have it all figured out but no sooner have I settled there, that I'm thrown back to the center of the Vortex! .. back to thinking What The Frikkin' Hell is my life tryina do?! .. it's like my life's a bull. No really, a bull with it's horn's stuck in a wooden door and it's just kicking the ground wondering why the direction of it's journey isn't visible...
Wow that just made a lot of sense Dudey, thanks for sharing it with your gazillion readers..
No there was a reason behind the urge to share this.... the reason being that this vortex feeling is taking over me in a very weird way.. like every little milestone I reach, every little achievement I make... is just that. I don't seem to be feeling the sincerity in it... seems like an "oh- that-just-had-to-turn-out-that-way" thing.. it's kinda sad cuz somethings Are sincere.. some people Are sincere.. some achievements Are worth it... but I just seem to be kinda watching from the sidelines.. watching my own life from the sidelines? now how does that happen for an independent adult.. anyways.. point being, my heart's slowly beginning to move away from the apparent "spice" of life... Every time I return to this center of chaos I realize I couldn't be less bothered.. Everything turns into a big ...so What?! so What's the Big Deal?!
Which hurts.. simply because..there are other people involved.. who're doing their best to make it the big deal it is... and their love and their sincerity is just sitting on it's own wondering What the Frikkin Hell is wrong with me.. And I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...
This just makes me realize one thing:
Time for some tea. =/