Crisp.

The smell of fresh leaves,
the crisp sound of crushing old ones.
The mist in the air,
as it melts on my skin.

Its a routine we do,
Its ours till the end.
Its a feeling we make,
Its for us to live within.

Walking with a heavy head,
and sometimes light as air,
What is it that is wanted from us?
or from you? or from me?

Just silence and a little pain,
just noise and some joy.
A gulp and a breath,
to keep walking on.

Is it that's all there?
Is there more we're yet to see.
It seems a never-ending road,
or one that's just begun instead.

Haze in my head,
Dewy - my heart,
Quite - my mind,
They say its the perfect moment to pray.

...

Been 'springcleaning' for the past few days...though its a pleasant *and oh so rare* 14 degrees outside SubhanAllah ... =)

Newho, the back of one's cupboard (or the half of one's shelving & wardrobe unit) can be a beautiful yet surreal, reminiscence-causing  area. The photographs, the keepsakes, the souvenirs and those no1-knows-i-saved-this items can hold an entire lifetime within them when you've not even lived half of your life =D..

Well, let's just say amidst all the sweet memories made & touching experiences had..there are the inevitable bunch of grand-hiccups down the road .. the let-me-sing-loudly-to-myself-to-forget-that-ever-happened twists to our otherwise sunny bright journey.. And when you've had your fair share of these hiccups, or are bombarded by them one after the other for a signficant amount of time......... you become a sort've of "nostalgia-phobe".
You begin to dread missing anything ... there's a whole lotta bitter in that jar of sweet.. the emo in you is heavier on the see-saw than you're happy-go-lucky side.... you're still living out the part where it'll all balance and become a "mixed bag" or a series of "ups and downs"..... it's still a waiting period & you'd much rather anticipate & hope for the result uphill than cherish the effort at the bottom.

No surprises if I can relate to any of that.. although thankfully, I seem to be gradually making peace with the entire bitter part and actually begin to enjoy it as the unique aftertaste to AMPLE sweet I've had in my life so far Alhamdulilah =)..

Here's some post-appropriate lyrics from "Yaad" by Shehzad Roy (which is his only piece that I like):

Yaad 

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh naey gilay woh shikayatein 

Woh maze maze ki hikayathein

Kabhi rooththe kabhi maanthe

Woh sitham kabhi woh inayathein

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo din thay kitnay ajeeb thay,

Haan bus aik se naseeb thay.

Kay judaa na houn yahi khauwf tha,

Kabhi hum bhi itna qareeb thay.

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

....dewy memories aside, g'nite folks! ;)

Nightly Demons.

Two little demons haunted me last night. Here's the results of those mental conversations:

"Do's and Don'ts"

Don't blow me a kiss,
I'll spit it out.
Don't whisper to me,
Unless you wanna hear me shout.
Don't gaze into my limpid pools,
I'll drown you instead.
Don't express your sentiments,
Unless you wanna lose your head.
Don't bring me your inner-most wounds to heal,
Unless its a bullet you want to feel.

DO look away from this worthless being.
unless you wish to become a part of what you're seeing.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Who's to say?"

Is it just me or did the fog in my head just expand?
Must I really experience life first hand?
Time and again, I find myself searching for the pause button.
Couldn't the "show" go on with a drawn curtain?
They say change is constant - it has no end,
Heck, why must time be thus spent?
They say life can't be lived in a box shut tight,
but what if within it my peace lies?
I could keep questioning every turn, skip and step,
But who's to say what I'll love, what I'll regret.

A dear stranger indeed.

I've been on a journey of it all with you - the interests, the confessions, the heartfelt words, the genuine actions, the drama, the deceit, the lies, the justifications and now, the ending of a bond I was under the illusion existed. Might as well do the blog post =) This is Not a mental ranting that's bringing you shame or bringing me peace. Its a Record of all the words I would have said, had things not turned out the way they did, had you not become who you are and had you not made the choices you made.

I would have always wished you the best in life, for God to bless you with peace of mind and guidance towards true joy in this life and in the Eternal one.

I would have told you how much you are capable of achieving and all the good you have the potential to cause.
I would have hoped all your qualities make you create a wonderful presence in all the lives you know and love.

And with God as my witness, I still wish you all this and more.

I do not hate you for the choices you made.

But I do recognize you from these choices.  I recognize you for who you have become.

With a bond so intense, a relationship so close - with you and with my family - its inevitable that I figure things out gradually. You see the time I take to collect my thoughts as a lack of trust - What previous incident proves to you my disloyalty? When have I burdened you with dishonesty? Why must I recieve yours?

I cannot say that I'm sorry I'm more obliged to my loved ones then I'm to you. For I love them dearly, as I loved you, I did consider you family. But with the Almighty's grace, it is them I have a duty to love and protect. And I would make the same choice every time, God Willing.

Speaking of God, I called you "His cherished gift to me" once. No regrets. Just not the kind of gift I had foreseen. You have, single-handedly, taught me the meaning of the Hadith that says one shouldn't make a friend so close that they become an enemy.

Jazak Allah for every good intention you ever had towards me.

Good bye - Dear stranger,

May Allah bless you with the ability to chose the truth everytime. Ameen.

Just Lose Yourself.

"I love [insert some action you love], I just lose myself in there".

How easily, how naively we tend to use that phrase. As if it means only the bad within us is capable of being lost, leaving behind the peace for us to enjoy. As if losing oneself is the best, most liberating feeling; should one find such an opportunity, it should be welcomed with open arms.
Does it always deserve the glory?
What about when you lose yourself unintentionally? Even if for a while - what if losing yourself is a direct effect of a bigger - even if better - purpose? What happens when you are so severely lost that you don't remotely resemble yourself? How do you console yourself when you're in tears for things you never felt? How do you justify your emotions in situations you never linked to your own frikkin' self ?
Is losing yourself really that awesome a sensation.. when it feels like everything good about you just walked away in one unanimous move? Is losing yourself really empowering when it disassembles your insides and takes away every shield - rendering you defenseless and meek?
When you don't see it coming, losing yourself can be more than mere joy.. like intense confusion, like excruciating amnesia, like a stormy chaos.
And for a bitter after taste.. the journey of figuring out what went wrong..

Interculture.

You've got it all figured out, the path seems simple. Things are as clear as they can be in a real situation involving real people.

Principles, ethics, religion - its all in place.

Enter: Culture.

And then nothing is. No longer simple or straightforward, the world wobbles and repositions everything. Opinions, feelings, traditions - its all over the place.

Sometimes its too fine a line to walk and ironically, this one excruciating effort of giving in to culture isn't considered a step, let alone a huge one. Forget about the gesture of appreciation, it isn't even respected much. It's like a disease you had and now you better cure yourself, before you throw offences in every possible direction. In some cases, it is ignored just so it 'goes away'. Let's pretend you don't have this disease, so maybe you'll end up cured. In other cases, its considered an inevitable measure so why make a big deal out of it anyway?! Let's all together forget about acknowledging it at all.

I write this from the point-of-view of one who's grown up in a multi-cultural environment - rendering me an amateur in e.v.e.r.y. traditional context.

A word to the wise: respect.

Coffee beans on the couch.

[Found this draft in my archives, that never got published, but I absolutely miss these times! Reminiscent post, actually dated 27th Sept. '10]


Cruising 'round town in a Nissan Coaster Bus at 8.30 in the morning.. looking for an out, from the city to the highway... the change of routes adds the seaside to our view.. a welcome vision indeed. Off to work and the best kinda company.. food, heartfelt words, photoshop, confessions, graphics, warmth.. back on the bus before you know it.

A quick nap on the leather seat.. then the walk home.. chores, messed up sleep routine, messed up appetite. A quick stop in the blogworld.

[Alhamdulilah, for those memories...]

...from the depth of your hearts.

I've an assignment deadline today thats 50% of my grade for the final year of my degree... Regardless of anything else, I cannot think of more ways at this point, and I would like to take a moment here to write this:

Whether you've known me only through this blog or you know me in-person, I would like to request anyone staring at this screen right now to please remember me in your prayers.

Jazak Allah Khair..

Destiny and meaning.

So there are times you feel life has no direction and everything is all over the place, everywhere.. EXCEPT where it should be. Then there are times you don't care, bow ur head n just keep walking through it. Turns out, there are also times where destiny gives you a tiny wake up call for majorly meaningful stuff coming up. It needs you to start paying attention.

I won't dive into cosmic calculations and meteorological meaning here but long story short - i got one of those wake up calls today. It's amazing how life works.. things falling out and in place, events unfolding in the weirdest ways.. I don't mean this in an unpractical optimistic way. It's the reality - things occur in a mystical manner, pieces don't fit and then those very pieces mold themselves into new ones.... and before you know you have new meaning to life. 

Courtesy Destiny. It means a lot.

Up, up and Away!

Alhamdulilah, things are finally beginning to sort out. The "solid" sense of faith slowly returns, bringing along the mesmerizing feeling of the Almighty's Love and my love for Him. An amazing source of strength was found in these words. Dude's got it completely figured out, MashaAllah. I love how he lays out the process and emphasizes the need for spirituality.
On a parallel note, been working with the principles of The Sedona Method. Basically, the book by Lester Levinson which talks about our Self as an infinite, unlimited being. What Lester refers to is actually the soul, or Rooh in Arabic. He states that this Self is independent of the body or mind and does not know any limitations. Thus, he says nothing is impossible to happen around us. 
In fact, these are the characteristics of the Ashraf-ul-Makhloqat, the highest of all beings, that the Almighty has made us. Our limitations come only at the point of being His Creation. However, we have the aid of the Creator Himself and thus nothing IS impossible to happen around us.
Moreover, Lester talks about the concept how things are already perfect around us and within us, because we are this unlimited Self. Thus he says, if we think the world's working against our will, it is truly our thoughts that make us see it so. He insists that we stop our thoughts, "quiet the mind" so as to release this perception in order to realize our perfect Self. 
How I see this, the Almighty has in fact the best plans and all around us, they are unfolding. Hence, negative suspicions, or these destructive thoughts, are actually forbidden Islam, as is depression and hopelessness. When you genuinely believe in the Almighty's Perfection and in the Perfection of the world around you, where is the space for a lacking or a deficiency of hope?! When a lacking doesn't exist, why must it be filled? In order to stop the process of thinking and conjuring up a list of the lackings in our mind, I find that the Islamic way of meditation provides the best method of "quieting" the mind while feeling the harmony and Love for the Almighty.
Now the book by Lester discusses the concepts in great detail as it follows the journey of Lester discovering them himself. I have condensed it, perhaps with little justice to his words, into an explanation of my basic understanding. 
Nevertheless, my point here is that the more I read about how we must let go and let God (one of Lester's phrases again) the more I realize the importance of Tawakkul and Spirituality that I must now (about time!) realize within me. Alhamdulilah for being born with the gift of Islam in my household.
I love Allah and I must now solely be the witness of what His Love makes me do in this World and in the HereAfter. 

Subtle Sense

It's the calm after the storm.. They've all been working, praying to calm it, calm me. It's just a fear, I know.. a fear of whether this is yet again, the calm before a storm.. whether the worse is yet to come, or worser yet, it's here. But, Alhamdulilah, it's not. It's over. There's no more turmoil and very little upset. Nothing actually to be termed an upset. Just natural processes, humanly steps.. Why is it almost difficult to accept that there's no more to be anxious about? I haven't always known things to be so chaotic, I've been more used to the calm state of being, Alhamdulilah. Then why does that recent disturbance more real than it actually is? 
Maybe it's because I was taken off guard.. but then again how O-n-T-h-e-A-l-e-r-t can a person be? It's destiny after all, it's life. And the Almighty is our only stable connection to hold on to.. Why on Earth would I look elsewhere for strength?! I won't. Perhaps one of the greater gains I'm rooting for here, is to come out of this soon, and with a much stronger faith InshaAllah. That's the lesson here, I believe: the need to believe harder with deeper faith.
So here's a general request to my non-existent readers, please pray that Dudey strengthens her bonds with the Almighty and settles into her daily routines with a greater sense of Him, drawing strength and peace all through. (Amin).

Happy New Year :)

Yes, for those of you who think I'm a little ahead of the times, I don't mean the upcoming new year on the BC calender but the Islamic New Year! An addition to count of the Hijri.. In remembrance of a Great Journey, made by the Greatest of People, the Beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)... 1434 years ago, He migrated to the City of Madinah to spread the message of His Lord. May the Almighty guide us towards a life based on his principles and Sunnahs. Amin.

Beginning the New Year with a fresh approach: Been facing some fears this past week that require my sole reliance on the Almighty... a strong faith basically.. So the added perspective to that is:

I'm in the hands of the Almighty,

One of His Many Mesmerizing Creations is This: 

I'm Gonna Be Fine  ;) 

Crispy

Fresh and frozen, the memories are just another reminder of a new day.
It's a commitment, true, to get through as you want, but actions do Really speak louder than words.
And at the end of the day, the actions are what will matter. You can write up a whole album of songs for me but you need to get the melody right, with your practice and dedication - music to my ears.

Flippin' Me

Dudey's heart is a grain in the hourglass. 

It keeps flipping back and forth between the two halves - in the future waiting to become present or in the past buried by the present. 

It keeps floating up and down - in the peaceful solitude or in the distrusting isolation.

It keeps being turned around - a new direction, a new era, a new emotion every time. 

Here we go again..!

[Ok so I know it's sort've rude to promise to write blogs more understandable to my readers and then never write back again! In my defense life, has been throwing too many curve balls and splitters at me and if you've played baseball (atleast on Wii, like me) you'd know those are the hard ones to hit home runs on.]

Back to this blog, today I go back to making my famous impressions in the blog world *aalll hail dudey* =P

On a much more humble note, I've been reading this book named "Zen in the Art of Writing" by Rad Bradbury. No, not for this esteemed blog but because finally in my degree for media studies I get to write a creative piece! (It's been essays and research papers so far =X) And I want this piece to paint a word picture of whatever my creativity directs me towards.. (yeah still haven't decided the exact topic) I want it to be something where the words flow and I do not put in great effort to find the right word every two seconds..... and this blog is good practice :P

What I found as a downfall of reading this book so far, and I've gotten only past the first chapter, is .. the first chapter! It's named 'The Joy of Writing'. Like Hello?! Excuse Me.. A Fat Ass " DUHH!!" Coming Through! Why would I be reading about achieving peace as you write........... when I already feel the frikkin' Joy of writing!!!! =@

*Sigh* Nevertheless, time flew through an Absolute-Masterpiece I read recently "The Last Lecture" - the book by Randy Pausch. Had already watched the lecture but this book gave me so much more perspective! Loved his writing style and hope to develop enough of a similar style too. And seriously, wherever you are.. whoever you are... we all come together in this one moment where I ask you to .... READ THAT BOOK! (but watch the lecture first!)

Lastly, I hope to able to blog every day now, as a healthy appetizer to my meal of thesis and creative pieces... followed by a desert of an essay... all due in January that's when things go *burp*.

Ok so having skimmed through Randy's words just now, I'm inspired to leave a few pearls of wisdom here - coming from the past months of hullaballoo and all hell-breaking loose - followed by utter peace :

Such times DO occur where you need to hold on tight to your seat and wait for the ride to get over rather than finding the logic behind every twist and turn. To know when it's that time, is truely a gift from the Almighty. 

Alhamdulilah.

Wax Vision.

Gripped by the heat,
It feels the particles drifting apart.
Knowing it's lack of solidarity,
The wax submits, melts just as far.

Poured in to the mould,
It let's the shape define it to the core.
No longer clinging to its soul,
Lo and Behold!

It's a candle.
Standing tall as it's structure will allow.
At the height of it's beauty for now.

The colour, the scent, the glory,
Embracing peace after fury.
Here's where it's begun to belong,
Forgetting this isn't for long.

For here comes the fire,
with poison burning in it's flame.
Taking away all that's to admire,
bringing it to shame.

It melts.
In it's reality it dwells.
The journey from the wick to below
It's humbled and it has to flow.

At the bottom, it waits.
Thinks over it's traits.
Realizes it's destiny: change.
Feels the lack of it to be strange.

That is when the wax justifies,
with what within it lies,
it's reason to be a candle.
The appearance is a mere scandal,
Colour, scent, light - all added to the raw.
No - now on it's true strength it must draw.

Change - it's strength, destiny or chance.
The wax must change to take the stance,
that will return it to dignity and pride.
That will give it a new life.

It let's in the cold air.
laying every particle bare.
till it's settled to the truth,
becoming the solid it could.


......


As I see it, change is a fact.
To it, ideally I don't always react.
For, in change we reflect on what we really need.
With it we plant in our being, a doubt's seed.

I know now. I have no doubt.
Whether I stand in glory or burn out.
All I need, is those eyes,
that reflect what within me lies.
That show me the wax I always had,
To accept change, good or bad.

These eyes, destiny has made me see,
Let the changes around me run free.

In these eyes, not mine,
I see the wax in me shine.
I see the changes I can make,
I see the changes as my fate.

So all I need and all I should,
Look into these eyes,
and I'm good.