Rule of Judgment.

We don't always follow the rules, do we? People quote it too often: "Rules are meant to be broken..." They quote it every instant while they look for an exception to the rules, a shortcut, an easier way. Yet, the one rule we all seem to follow, the one unspoken bit that we never dare to move away, the one line that we never cross, the one habit we never leave, the one feeling we never let go: Judging ourselves.

We pass judgments about ourselves every moment of our lives. "That's not me." / "That's just who I am." / "I can't do that."/ " Who else would do this but me?!"/ "Why would I even think about this?" 

There are so many judgments we pass ourselves, we barely give ourselves any space. True that the moment someone else points a finger at a 'fact' about us, we hate them for judging us.. But the innumerable times we state 'facts' about ourselves, we believe it's only the truth. I'm not saying it's not the truth. I'm just saying it's not the Only one.
I've been through my share of eye-opening things in life, as of now.. my own set of high-points and my half of the bitter side and I can't remember doing anything more regularly through out those times, than judging myself... stating things about myself that I believed was true about me... until today. 

Until.. I went through the whole of the past year. 

I'm not gonna narrate the series of events that I'm refering to but I will say that tonight, when I sat to summarize how my past year has been in my head, it hit me how much I've surprised myself about who I am. Many of the things that I clearly thought were me, were just my own judgements from the lack of experience. I started giving myself space to exist, I started to know me instead of knowing about me. 

In the past year, I did that unknowingly, I let go of so many things that I thought were ''me'' and while I thought that was sad at some points, I've slowly come to realize that just sitting there watching myself, not holding every mistake against me, not being proud of every achievement, just observing myself... just observing myself, without a single judging thought, has made me see all that I'm capable of otherwise..It has made me feel what I thought I was incapable of feeling.. It has brought out in me what I didn't know I was holding within..It has liberated me to experience what my judgements weren't letting me have. 

And to learn from experience rather than our own judgments is a MUCH better way, in my view... by learning how to change what's wrong instead of hating ourselves for what's wrong is a Much better way... every time we fall, learning to get up and moving on is Much better than judging we aren't the getting up type at all... atleast that's how babies learn to walk and I'd say for someone with that little knowledge or understanding, they do a pretty good job for themselves and their lives.

Dear Wall.

All those times you ask me what's the matter and I say why'd you ask me that.. Does it cross your mind Why I won't give you a straight answer? 

Now that you wonder and play with those suspicious, conspiring clues of your own, now that you try to explain my change in attitude with your lame experience, I'll make it easier for you: it's because, talking to you is like talking to a wall. 

I don't mean to refer to your strength or firm standing when I call you that, I mean you seem as Incapable of bringing a change and unconcerned as a wall. Not that you were born with a disability, till a certain period of time there was no sign of this nature.
Until, it hit you how easy it is to be a wall. And sorry to say, you're too lazy to change that now. You've left all sensibility and coherence of an adult, understanding human, behind. You've left all experience to rot in the past. You are a wall.

I've too many evidences to list here and I think there's no point to doing that.  

The fact that I realized how much a wall you are, isn't going to change anything on your end. But I do know it has already changed so much on mine. So the matter is that there is none. I'm just not pretending anymore. I'm not playing along to your whole "she's a kid, she can be distracted" game. I'm not getting pleased by your petty and senseless solution-wanna-be's. I'm not ignoring how lazy you are. I'm not being who I'm not just to keep you in the good books. I'm not pretending to depend my emotions on you. I can live with enough strength from the Almighty alone. This is me and if it puzzles you to see me this way, dear wall, I'm certain you can be as indifferent to it as the rest of things in your life.... and mine. 

Mental Screen Capture: Sense or the I Pause I

Emotionally drained.

That's the phrase, right at the top, smack center on my mental report. 

It's a mostly empty paper otherwise. There's only these deeply embedded scribbles that aren't visible in ink. An insane number of times other scraps of paper have been kept on this one. And then someone would write on that scrap. These scribbles on my paper, are just the impressions of those writings. Just the ditches they've dug on the surface of my mental report. 

The irony this had led to: the paper appears to be utterly blank, it's touch feels ever so uneven. When you stare at it from the back you could be fooled by the texture, you'd think a kid went insane scribbling all over it. Turning it over, you see it's empty.
And when it's your own mental report, you don't feel the disappointment. Because you're emotionally drained. You're incapable of being provoked. You're indifferent. You live the today just as yesterday, probably like tomorrow. Because that's the mechanism, it may Not be monotonous but it doesn't inspire any emotion either.
And you're tired. Just so tired. On your mental screen, you're searching for the pause button. D.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.l.y. You want to pause existence. You don't want a break to a far off Caribbean destination to relax. For now, you don't want a destination to go or a muscle fiber to relax. For now, you want to pause your purposes, your hurdles, your achievements, your existence.
And you know what the strangest part is? Intensely in this state of mind, you still want to stare at these certain eyes.
Because you feel like these eyes are your Pause-button from everything else. They mesmerize you enough, they spread this strange feeling that settles your own existence on a breeze so it gets blown away. And No! you're not supposed to be making them your escape. No, you shouldn't look at them every time you look away from everything else.
No, these are eyes- a door to an existence- not your escape zone. You should stop escaping into their glance.
Somewhere in the stack of idle senses within you, you need to find a heart to do that.
Yet right now, your empty report makes it impossible to take any notes.
Right now, you just add to the ditches dug on it's surface.

A Cig in the Rain.

A cig in the rain.
I'm yearning to be letting out the smoke.
I'm drenched instead.

A cig in the rain.
I'm yearning to keep my insides intact.
I'm crumbling away instead.

A cig in the rain.
I'm yearning to be picked up as a challenge.
I'm laying idle instead.

A cig in the rain.
I'm yearning to be inhaled from.
I'm being stepped on instead.

A cig in the rain - I.am.lost.

Today's Coffee Break Piece:

:) Mental-5!

She's overjoyed in her own lil' world. 

It's a personal event of celebration and her heart's the ultimate scene of a Desi-wedding with shimmering lights, bright tents, a spray of glitter, the shower of rose petals and the genuine excitement in the air. 

It's a personal milestone and she feels the strength of it. She has a spring in her step and a sparkle in her smile. She sings, she hums and she laughs - All the cliche's as if they were sensations discovered a-new. 

Every time an adult talks the serious-talk, she sneaks a mini-dance routine behind their back, just so the fireworks inside don't get interrupted by a raindrop. Then slaps herself to sense.

She's making customized snacks and wearing specifically comfy clothing.. She's treating herself to it all, for a change.. for now.. from ecstacy. 

Witnessing Dudey's personal celebration is a crazy experience and it's subtle yet vibrant like light sparkling in the dark! =) 

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Alhamdulilah.

Who Else?

You don't need anyone.

No and neither do I. 

Nor does any other being on this planet. For who will you trust to fully, solely, be concerned about your needs alone? How can you convince yourself that this one person you trust so fully, that he/she would absolutely forget about their own existence and devote themselves to yours? How can you be that foolishly lame? 

I'm not trying to be the creepy little voice at the back of your head that whispers the doubts about trusting any one human to fully care about you with an thunderous echo of "not even your parents!". No, all I mean to say is that trusting a human being to fully care about you alone is just e.x.a.c.t.l.y. and o.n.l.y. that. It is a human being that you are holding these expectations of and it is a human being that will attempt to fulfill them. His/Her efforts will be of a human being, it will include mistakes, disappointments and if it's a genuinely deserving person who cares for you, it will be unintentional to the very core. Because this person is human.

So you can't need that can you? You can't need a human being to care for you that way. That's my point. If some one does care and you like that and return it, that's basic gratitude and appreciation skills at work. But to think that it is your sole right to be treated with utter perfection in care, that's stupidity. 

Unless and until, this need is for a different Source. The Source that ensures you have the sense of what you need to have and what you need to avoid. The Source of all your strengths and the Strength to ward away all your weaknesses.

The Source of your creation - The Almighty.

The Almighty is all you, me or any of His creations need. At the end of the day, as you count the good parts of your day, who do you thank? As you count the utterly disappointing bits, who do you pray to change that? As you smile at the memory of all those you love, who do you say "Wow!" to in amazement? As you frown at those that cause you pain, who do you expect to see the matter in justice? As you consider your own talents, who do you show gratitude to? As you realise your own sins, who do you expect mercy from? The Almighty stands by us when, where and in a way NO other being can. He provides what no one else can. He provided us with a life to begin with (!) and He will provide us with all that we need within it till the end. He provides us with endless, unconditional, absolute love. 

It's all we need. HE is ALL we need.