Crisp.

The smell of fresh leaves,
the crisp sound of crushing old ones.
The mist in the air,
as it melts on my skin.

Its a routine we do,
Its ours till the end.
Its a feeling we make,
Its for us to live within.

Walking with a heavy head,
and sometimes light as air,
What is it that is wanted from us?
or from you? or from me?

Just silence and a little pain,
just noise and some joy.
A gulp and a breath,
to keep walking on.

Is it that's all there?
Is there more we're yet to see.
It seems a never-ending road,
or one that's just begun instead.

Haze in my head,
Dewy - my heart,
Quite - my mind,
They say its the perfect moment to pray.

My demons & my muse.

I thought I may as well churn the cheesy-cheese.
Write about how I felt - for my own relief.

And how I felt wasn't that uplifting or nice,
Something of the sort you'd call "quiet a surprise."

It wasn't supposed to feel as uncomfortable as this,
What you didn't really have.. how could you miss?

I wasn't meant to breath this unknown air,
I'd rather lay my heart bare.

That it would leave a little lump in my throat,
That it would carve a fleshy hole.

I didn't see it coming & hitting me this hard,
Expectations only work to raise the bar.

There's no good that ever comes out of them,
Why dwell into what you don't comprehend?

I would be forced to seek another refuge,
Neglecting your ears to preserve my muse.

I yearn to know what in me you fight,
I need to know I'm in this right.

That my prose would be shoved away with a sweet sugar coat,
A whiff of arrogance in a praise-worthy note.

I do not expect it for I do intend to be fair,
Yet humanity presents in imperfections my share.

I do pray it never matters as much as this night,
That I'm forever awed by the days bright.

Sight

I don't know what's going wrong,
what is right.
In the craziest ride along,
I've held on tight.
A sense of where we belong,
hoping for an actual sight.
Praying with an urge so strong,
for there to be no..
...nightmare tonight.

Nightly Demons.

Two little demons haunted me last night. Here's the results of those mental conversations:

"Do's and Don'ts"

Don't blow me a kiss,
I'll spit it out.
Don't whisper to me,
Unless you wanna hear me shout.
Don't gaze into my limpid pools,
I'll drown you instead.
Don't express your sentiments,
Unless you wanna lose your head.
Don't bring me your inner-most wounds to heal,
Unless its a bullet you want to feel.

DO look away from this worthless being.
unless you wish to become a part of what you're seeing.

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"Who's to say?"

Is it just me or did the fog in my head just expand?
Must I really experience life first hand?
Time and again, I find myself searching for the pause button.
Couldn't the "show" go on with a drawn curtain?
They say change is constant - it has no end,
Heck, why must time be thus spent?
They say life can't be lived in a box shut tight,
but what if within it my peace lies?
I could keep questioning every turn, skip and step,
But who's to say what I'll love, what I'll regret.

In search..

Raised above the clouds,

Drenched by the tides,

Fluttering merrily about,

Diving dangerously deep.

Soaring through the skies,

Drowning in the seas,

In search of patience,

In search of our peace..

...from the depth of your hearts.

I've an assignment deadline today thats 50% of my grade for the final year of my degree... Regardless of anything else, I cannot think of more ways at this point, and I would like to take a moment here to write this:

Whether you've known me only through this blog or you know me in-person, I would like to request anyone staring at this screen right now to please remember me in your prayers.

Jazak Allah Khair..

Destiny and meaning.

So there are times you feel life has no direction and everything is all over the place, everywhere.. EXCEPT where it should be. Then there are times you don't care, bow ur head n just keep walking through it. Turns out, there are also times where destiny gives you a tiny wake up call for majorly meaningful stuff coming up. It needs you to start paying attention.

I won't dive into cosmic calculations and meteorological meaning here but long story short - i got one of those wake up calls today. It's amazing how life works.. things falling out and in place, events unfolding in the weirdest ways.. I don't mean this in an unpractical optimistic way. It's the reality - things occur in a mystical manner, pieces don't fit and then those very pieces mold themselves into new ones.... and before you know you have new meaning to life. 

Courtesy Destiny. It means a lot.

By the time ...

By the time you make space for my arrival, I'll have departed.
By the time you count the miles, I will have walked them.
By the time you make your way to this point, I will have well-settled in another.
By the time your eyes reflect the stars, I will have navigated by them far away.
By the time you bring the cure to my pain, I will have miraculously recovered.
By the time you send me some strength, I will have learnt to depend on no human.
Rightfully so, a lesson taught
                                           - by the time we've spent together.

A new day.

Oh mischievous Mr. Sun,
You do know, it's no longer fun,
To mock the brevity of  my size, 
or liken it to the span of my life.
To be mysterious - I can only see so little of you,
But your glow never fails to weave through,
my life & the highlights of my existence.
I loathe the dark-knightly-pretense,
of leaving me in bliss and peace,
so you can face the stormy seas, 
to reach over alone to the other end,
still looking over me with a moonly stance.
Realize, you can never make the two sides meet,
better yet - just retreat.
Come join me, in an eternal embrace.
Come float with me, in your soothing blaze.
Through the mesmerizing strands of your gold rays,
With the blinding beauty of your face
- You make my day start.
Mr. Sun, you have my heart.

Peaceful Chaos

The sun - like the center of a ripple in the sky. The blue outstretch drenched in its light, layered by the solid fluffs of the clouds. Clouds with personalities - the bold, opaque ones stubbornly block out the sun, to make known their pearly white. And wherever it can, the sun pierces through these layers, it's rays sharp and distinct with rage. 

They have a much easier time with the toddler-clouds - tiny and light, they surrender to the sun and bathe in its light. Orange flurries with strokes of amber and crimson - you could mistake them for mini-flames in the sky.

Up above, in the glistening chaos of the pearly whites and the mini-flames, you weave your way - a fish gliding through soothing rivers, bathed and refreshed. 
In this one chaotic instant, peace feels eternal.




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Dear Immensely-Large Audience, 

I seem to have finally hit  a jackpot of inspiration.. resulting in the above post and 2 more to come... (all based on the theme of the sun and clouds) spent two hours this morning - purely inspired , writing frantically - oh  s-weet joy i yearned for!! Alhamdulilah -here i go! =)

A new sight

It's this new sight you're giving me. This different vision I've never seen before. Like being blindfolded and learning to identify objects just by the feel of them - you teach different from what I know.

And even though you contradict my knowledge sometimes, give things a different name, I like the melody of how it works.. how we work within that time frame.. and I follow, I learn this.. all knew, I see it in a different view.

For these are just objects and there worth is nothing more. The worth of what I seek is a million-fold more vital.. I pray to make it eternal.. that's the background to whatever I see =)

Up, up and Away!

Alhamdulilah, things are finally beginning to sort out. The "solid" sense of faith slowly returns, bringing along the mesmerizing feeling of the Almighty's Love and my love for Him. An amazing source of strength was found in these words. Dude's got it completely figured out, MashaAllah. I love how he lays out the process and emphasizes the need for spirituality.
On a parallel note, been working with the principles of The Sedona Method. Basically, the book by Lester Levinson which talks about our Self as an infinite, unlimited being. What Lester refers to is actually the soul, or Rooh in Arabic. He states that this Self is independent of the body or mind and does not know any limitations. Thus, he says nothing is impossible to happen around us. 
In fact, these are the characteristics of the Ashraf-ul-Makhloqat, the highest of all beings, that the Almighty has made us. Our limitations come only at the point of being His Creation. However, we have the aid of the Creator Himself and thus nothing IS impossible to happen around us.
Moreover, Lester talks about the concept how things are already perfect around us and within us, because we are this unlimited Self. Thus he says, if we think the world's working against our will, it is truly our thoughts that make us see it so. He insists that we stop our thoughts, "quiet the mind" so as to release this perception in order to realize our perfect Self. 
How I see this, the Almighty has in fact the best plans and all around us, they are unfolding. Hence, negative suspicions, or these destructive thoughts, are actually forbidden Islam, as is depression and hopelessness. When you genuinely believe in the Almighty's Perfection and in the Perfection of the world around you, where is the space for a lacking or a deficiency of hope?! When a lacking doesn't exist, why must it be filled? In order to stop the process of thinking and conjuring up a list of the lackings in our mind, I find that the Islamic way of meditation provides the best method of "quieting" the mind while feeling the harmony and Love for the Almighty.
Now the book by Lester discusses the concepts in great detail as it follows the journey of Lester discovering them himself. I have condensed it, perhaps with little justice to his words, into an explanation of my basic understanding. 
Nevertheless, my point here is that the more I read about how we must let go and let God (one of Lester's phrases again) the more I realize the importance of Tawakkul and Spirituality that I must now (about time!) realize within me. Alhamdulilah for being born with the gift of Islam in my household.
I love Allah and I must now solely be the witness of what His Love makes me do in this World and in the HereAfter. 

Subtle Sense

It's the calm after the storm.. They've all been working, praying to calm it, calm me. It's just a fear, I know.. a fear of whether this is yet again, the calm before a storm.. whether the worse is yet to come, or worser yet, it's here. But, Alhamdulilah, it's not. It's over. There's no more turmoil and very little upset. Nothing actually to be termed an upset. Just natural processes, humanly steps.. Why is it almost difficult to accept that there's no more to be anxious about? I haven't always known things to be so chaotic, I've been more used to the calm state of being, Alhamdulilah. Then why does that recent disturbance more real than it actually is? 
Maybe it's because I was taken off guard.. but then again how O-n-T-h-e-A-l-e-r-t can a person be? It's destiny after all, it's life. And the Almighty is our only stable connection to hold on to.. Why on Earth would I look elsewhere for strength?! I won't. Perhaps one of the greater gains I'm rooting for here, is to come out of this soon, and with a much stronger faith InshaAllah. That's the lesson here, I believe: the need to believe harder with deeper faith.
So here's a general request to my non-existent readers, please pray that Dudey strengthens her bonds with the Almighty and settles into her daily routines with a greater sense of Him, drawing strength and peace all through. (Amin).

Happy New Year :)

Yes, for those of you who think I'm a little ahead of the times, I don't mean the upcoming new year on the BC calender but the Islamic New Year! An addition to count of the Hijri.. In remembrance of a Great Journey, made by the Greatest of People, the Beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)... 1434 years ago, He migrated to the City of Madinah to spread the message of His Lord. May the Almighty guide us towards a life based on his principles and Sunnahs. Amin.

Beginning the New Year with a fresh approach: Been facing some fears this past week that require my sole reliance on the Almighty... a strong faith basically.. So the added perspective to that is:

I'm in the hands of the Almighty,

One of His Many Mesmerizing Creations is This: 

I'm Gonna Be Fine  ;) 

Crispy

Fresh and frozen, the memories are just another reminder of a new day.
It's a commitment, true, to get through as you want, but actions do Really speak louder than words.
And at the end of the day, the actions are what will matter. You can write up a whole album of songs for me but you need to get the melody right, with your practice and dedication - music to my ears.

Flippin' Me

Dudey's heart is a grain in the hourglass. 

It keeps flipping back and forth between the two halves - in the future waiting to become present or in the past buried by the present. 

It keeps floating up and down - in the peaceful solitude or in the distrusting isolation.

It keeps being turned around - a new direction, a new era, a new emotion every time. 

Here we go again..!

[Ok so I know it's sort've rude to promise to write blogs more understandable to my readers and then never write back again! In my defense life, has been throwing too many curve balls and splitters at me and if you've played baseball (atleast on Wii, like me) you'd know those are the hard ones to hit home runs on.]

Back to this blog, today I go back to making my famous impressions in the blog world *aalll hail dudey* =P

On a much more humble note, I've been reading this book named "Zen in the Art of Writing" by Rad Bradbury. No, not for this esteemed blog but because finally in my degree for media studies I get to write a creative piece! (It's been essays and research papers so far =X) And I want this piece to paint a word picture of whatever my creativity directs me towards.. (yeah still haven't decided the exact topic) I want it to be something where the words flow and I do not put in great effort to find the right word every two seconds..... and this blog is good practice :P

What I found as a downfall of reading this book so far, and I've gotten only past the first chapter, is .. the first chapter! It's named 'The Joy of Writing'. Like Hello?! Excuse Me.. A Fat Ass " DUHH!!" Coming Through! Why would I be reading about achieving peace as you write........... when I already feel the frikkin' Joy of writing!!!! =@

*Sigh* Nevertheless, time flew through an Absolute-Masterpiece I read recently "The Last Lecture" - the book by Randy Pausch. Had already watched the lecture but this book gave me so much more perspective! Loved his writing style and hope to develop enough of a similar style too. And seriously, wherever you are.. whoever you are... we all come together in this one moment where I ask you to .... READ THAT BOOK! (but watch the lecture first!)

Lastly, I hope to able to blog every day now, as a healthy appetizer to my meal of thesis and creative pieces... followed by a desert of an essay... all due in January that's when things go *burp*.

Ok so having skimmed through Randy's words just now, I'm inspired to leave a few pearls of wisdom here - coming from the past months of hullaballoo and all hell-breaking loose - followed by utter peace :

Such times DO occur where you need to hold on tight to your seat and wait for the ride to get over rather than finding the logic behind every twist and turn. To know when it's that time, is truely a gift from the Almighty. 

Alhamdulilah.

Rule of Judgment.

We don't always follow the rules, do we? People quote it too often: "Rules are meant to be broken..." They quote it every instant while they look for an exception to the rules, a shortcut, an easier way. Yet, the one rule we all seem to follow, the one unspoken bit that we never dare to move away, the one line that we never cross, the one habit we never leave, the one feeling we never let go: Judging ourselves.

We pass judgments about ourselves every moment of our lives. "That's not me." / "That's just who I am." / "I can't do that."/ " Who else would do this but me?!"/ "Why would I even think about this?" 

There are so many judgments we pass ourselves, we barely give ourselves any space. True that the moment someone else points a finger at a 'fact' about us, we hate them for judging us.. But the innumerable times we state 'facts' about ourselves, we believe it's only the truth. I'm not saying it's not the truth. I'm just saying it's not the Only one.
I've been through my share of eye-opening things in life, as of now.. my own set of high-points and my half of the bitter side and I can't remember doing anything more regularly through out those times, than judging myself... stating things about myself that I believed was true about me... until today. 

Until.. I went through the whole of the past year. 

I'm not gonna narrate the series of events that I'm refering to but I will say that tonight, when I sat to summarize how my past year has been in my head, it hit me how much I've surprised myself about who I am. Many of the things that I clearly thought were me, were just my own judgements from the lack of experience. I started giving myself space to exist, I started to know me instead of knowing about me. 

In the past year, I did that unknowingly, I let go of so many things that I thought were ''me'' and while I thought that was sad at some points, I've slowly come to realize that just sitting there watching myself, not holding every mistake against me, not being proud of every achievement, just observing myself... just observing myself, without a single judging thought, has made me see all that I'm capable of otherwise..It has made me feel what I thought I was incapable of feeling.. It has brought out in me what I didn't know I was holding within..It has liberated me to experience what my judgements weren't letting me have. 

And to learn from experience rather than our own judgments is a MUCH better way, in my view... by learning how to change what's wrong instead of hating ourselves for what's wrong is a Much better way... every time we fall, learning to get up and moving on is Much better than judging we aren't the getting up type at all... atleast that's how babies learn to walk and I'd say for someone with that little knowledge or understanding, they do a pretty good job for themselves and their lives.

Dear Wall.

All those times you ask me what's the matter and I say why'd you ask me that.. Does it cross your mind Why I won't give you a straight answer? 

Now that you wonder and play with those suspicious, conspiring clues of your own, now that you try to explain my change in attitude with your lame experience, I'll make it easier for you: it's because, talking to you is like talking to a wall. 

I don't mean to refer to your strength or firm standing when I call you that, I mean you seem as Incapable of bringing a change and unconcerned as a wall. Not that you were born with a disability, till a certain period of time there was no sign of this nature.
Until, it hit you how easy it is to be a wall. And sorry to say, you're too lazy to change that now. You've left all sensibility and coherence of an adult, understanding human, behind. You've left all experience to rot in the past. You are a wall.

I've too many evidences to list here and I think there's no point to doing that.  

The fact that I realized how much a wall you are, isn't going to change anything on your end. But I do know it has already changed so much on mine. So the matter is that there is none. I'm just not pretending anymore. I'm not playing along to your whole "she's a kid, she can be distracted" game. I'm not getting pleased by your petty and senseless solution-wanna-be's. I'm not ignoring how lazy you are. I'm not being who I'm not just to keep you in the good books. I'm not pretending to depend my emotions on you. I can live with enough strength from the Almighty alone. This is me and if it puzzles you to see me this way, dear wall, I'm certain you can be as indifferent to it as the rest of things in your life.... and mine. 

:) Mental-5!

She's overjoyed in her own lil' world. 

It's a personal event of celebration and her heart's the ultimate scene of a Desi-wedding with shimmering lights, bright tents, a spray of glitter, the shower of rose petals and the genuine excitement in the air. 

It's a personal milestone and she feels the strength of it. She has a spring in her step and a sparkle in her smile. She sings, she hums and she laughs - All the cliche's as if they were sensations discovered a-new. 

Every time an adult talks the serious-talk, she sneaks a mini-dance routine behind their back, just so the fireworks inside don't get interrupted by a raindrop. Then slaps herself to sense.

She's making customized snacks and wearing specifically comfy clothing.. She's treating herself to it all, for a change.. for now.. from ecstacy. 

Witnessing Dudey's personal celebration is a crazy experience and it's subtle yet vibrant like light sparkling in the dark! =) 

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Alhamdulilah.