Sight

I don't know what's going wrong,
what is right.
In the craziest ride along,
I've held on tight.
A sense of where we belong,
hoping for an actual sight.
Praying with an urge so strong,
for there to be no..
...nightmare tonight.

Buried Deep.

Buried deep.
Feels like an eternal sleep.

Exhausted from the screaming.
Dirt's all the support I'm held in.

Have food to keep me fuller,
Have tidy cloth for cover.

Why must I yearn more?
Flames behind every door.

Suppression - does it really matter?
Roll me a joint brother.

Let me rise in shades of gray.
Blown by the wind astray.

Stuck miserably in the same air,
Until Mercy descends on every inch, every hair.

Whatever comes up on this road.
Awaiting the day the sun folds.

9.

"Oh Lord, please! I know you love me... I love you too.. I know you'll accept this, accept it tonight... you can do anything you want.. accept this tonight..," she pleaded.
"Oh Lord, please summon me... take me to where you are. Let me meet you tonight." At 9 years of age, she was praying .. rather begging to die.

"At 9 years of age?" you ask me, "seriously?"

Ahan 9, I say - she'd rather die and meet with her Lord, than face this man or the consequences he would bring about and leave her in, forever.

"One messed up kid!" you say. I smile and nod.

But look at it this way, at 9 - she was much more assured of her Lord's Mercy than any mortal man. She knew that even if she'd die, she'd be fine with the Almighty. She just thought people in her own world, on the Earth wouldn't be all that kind anymore.
She just felt that by dawn - if she were dead, her Lord would be making space for her amongst the departed souls with perhaps a word or two about what she had done.
But if she lived to see the dawn of a new day - she would be worse than dead. She'd be alive among mere mortals who would punish her for her imperfections.. for her decisions.. for not breaking but smashing the rules to smithereens..
Most of all, she felt that one look at her and the Lord would understand why she did it - she was wrong but it was "understandable".. it was part of what she did as His human. Others would never get it.. she'd never be able to convey it the understandable-way because owning up to it would include all the guilt and embarrassment that would be a punishment itself.. they would just be disappointed and heartbroken.. they would never understand.. they'd say she was only and totally wrong.. she'd be stuck in that light forever.

Of course, at 9 years of age she didn't realize that the Lord wasn't just Merciful up there.. He was equally so for those of us still walking the Earth... that He was just as capable of making His creations be kind as He was of being Kind Himself. He understood even while she was alive.. and He made it all fine.. with all the people involved.

And obviously, having learnt that lesson.. it's impossible for her to not expect His Mercy again and again... and let Him be all she hopes from.

Some alone-time, all the time?

When it comes to forming new relationships, there are mostly two kinds of people you find out there. 

The "true love is forever" kind and the "relationships are meant to end" sort.

And the funny thing is, in the face of certain hardships, you can find people from both views wanting some "alone time". Occasionally, lovers take a break and even 'all time' friends may ask for some space. Others may just back out or disappear, thinking it was "inevitable". It doesn't matter which of those theories they believe in, you will find people from either ends reaching the "limit" to people's company and wanting sometime away "from the noise of the world". Their loved ones may say they 'understand' while others may accuse them of never committing fully to a bond or relationship.

The question is: Whether its to take a breather, or end it.... Who's got it all figured out?

Neither I say! The only sense there is to this: Human relationships are very human!. You can't expect an ever-changing, growing, evolving being like us humans, to have ONE way of interacting and making bonds. No, not all of our loved ones will stay that way and not all are gonna turn out to be sour lemons. 

  

How I see it, both these views depend on an extremely impractical thought: that humans are absolutely, 100% consistent in they way they think and perceive themselves as well as those around them. That is NOT humanly possible! 

So what I'm getting at here is that... inspite of how the b*****s out there don't affect us, and despite all the support from our "dependable-friends" or "loving family members" ... we are inherently alone all the time. Its a humanly truth, not a bitter one. 

There's a limit to how perfect or imperfect someone can be and that's the limit to your relationship with them.

The silver lining or should I say.....Absolutely-Amazingly-All-Encompassing Truth to this: we may be alone, but needn't be lonely.

No, this isn't going to turn into a sense-the-beauty-of-nature and indulge-in-your-favourite-hobbies lecture, for they too are human activities and there's only so much they can hold.

In fact, there is ONE Entity, who is closer to us.................. than our Jugular Vein. 

He Alone, is our Eternal Company = Always Present .. All-Hearing, All-Seeing, All-Merciful, Most-Beneficient and Beyond All The Praise that I can utter.

So quiet simply, it is when all your relationships are based on His Love, for His sake, that e.v.e.r.y. bond can be cherished without there being any heartbreak, and only g.r.e.a.t.e.r. love. 

For there is nothing to expect out of anyone except Him, and there is nothing due to anyone except the love He has asked you to give for His sake.  That Love is indeed true, yet the only relationship you have is with the Almighty.

It is a beautiful mechanism, really.. and one that deflates any speck of an ego left within us.

Around the house!

Continuing from the previous post, being home has its advantages.. you finally get down to completing those half-done diy projects, here are some of mine:

Part of a wall-mural I made.. Some of the butterflies are popping out cuz they've been stuck on, while others have been painted =]

A runner-and-seat-cover set I fashioned from some scrap cloth.

Canvas wall hangings, also fashioned from scrap cloth.

Oooh (off topic) and a butterfly stopped by our house the other day =D

A pillow case I stitched recently.. Scrap Cloth diy again.

Have been cooking loads lately so maybe I should be starting a "Dudey's Kitchen" Series ;)

Around town!

Been cooped up in the house for too long, here's a few out and about pics from my world:

A tiny fountain at the Abu Dhabi Corniche, that's absolutely lovely in the winters.

A dash of red amidst all the city-grey..

Rare, abstract sign art in Auh.

Driving into the Sunshine =D .. Dubai-Abu Dhabi Highway..

That's one long title for a movie! (in Malayalam I believe)

A construction site being fitted with designer panels that look like wedding brides with veils.

Quirky, damn-expensive socks I discovered while gift-shopping.

Quote plates at Gulf Greetings.

Quote plate with a point! (Gulf-Greetings)

I really like this teddy and he appears here as a stuffed toy.. with barely any eyes so he's almost Halal i guess =D

Creative advertising, much?

Genuinely cute trolley bag I discovered, at a tiny shop, near my place.

Like cold water on a warm heart..

Its that dreaded feeling.. the one that makes you cringe and shudder. I always speak out aloud to stop that train of thoughts.. something like " lalalala.. so what else is new?!" .. it makes many an outsider give me a quizzical look => did this lady just ask herself what else is new?! crazier than crazy i guess.. =D

Its the feeling I get lately, when I think of you. Because truely, genuinely.. I don't want you to become a memory, lying in the dust at the back of my mind.. People in your role, people like you, always have a great impact on their young ones. They tell me I was too young, they say its natural that I've a hard time remembering.

To be honest, it really seems insane to me. Like in this short number of years I've lived, YOU is who my brain decides to forget things about. Its like a constant fight between my mind and brain. The psychological existence needs to remember every bit.. The physical brain cells are giving up on their neural pathways. Its a defeat I would never want to accept.. Its a feeling I so totally dread. I don't want you to be a memory.
I'm trying my best to hold onto every bit I can think of.. yet somethings go missing that others need to bring back into my thoughts again.. I hate that.. you were as much mine as theirs. Why would they dwell in the sweetness of all that they hold within, while I search repeatedly for every bit all over again? Is it a little unfair I got the littlest of you..? Am I supposedly feeling deprived?

No, you would expect better of me than that. You would know I'm above and beyond that, you always were. I'm yours and you would expect the same, if not better, from me.

But let's be clear about one thing, I don't want to find you in the emptiness or lacking in others.. I don't want to feel you through your absence. I want your presence to feel like a fresh thought. I want that feeling and thought to be mine.

Dudey's Doodles II

A doodle with an explanation.. a labelled illustration, if you will.

Also, this may not be how I look like in the real world, but as Morpheus explained to Neo in the Matrix: 

"Your appearance now is what we call "residual self image". It is the mental projection of your digital self." ;-)

Nightly Demons.

Two little demons haunted me last night. Here's the results of those mental conversations:

"Do's and Don'ts"

Don't blow me a kiss,
I'll spit it out.
Don't whisper to me,
Unless you wanna hear me shout.
Don't gaze into my limpid pools,
I'll drown you instead.
Don't express your sentiments,
Unless you wanna lose your head.
Don't bring me your inner-most wounds to heal,
Unless its a bullet you want to feel.

DO look away from this worthless being.
unless you wish to become a part of what you're seeing.

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"Who's to say?"

Is it just me or did the fog in my head just expand?
Must I really experience life first hand?
Time and again, I find myself searching for the pause button.
Couldn't the "show" go on with a drawn curtain?
They say change is constant - it has no end,
Heck, why must time be thus spent?
They say life can't be lived in a box shut tight,
but what if within it my peace lies?
I could keep questioning every turn, skip and step,
But who's to say what I'll love, what I'll regret.

Dudey's Doodles I

A Dizzy Daze..

Round and round.. here's the spin.  I grab on tight till the very end. The floor goes up, the ceiling dives down. The whole wide world whirls around.
And when it stops, I smash into the glass. A pounding heart but silence atlast! The slide down, ever-so-soothing. Like flowing water, like dripping ink.

Not everlasting, its just a phase. Not a chaos, I'm in a dizzy daze.

A dear stranger indeed.

I've been on a journey of it all with you - the interests, the confessions, the heartfelt words, the genuine actions, the drama, the deceit, the lies, the justifications and now, the ending of a bond I was under the illusion existed. Might as well do the blog post =) This is Not a mental ranting that's bringing you shame or bringing me peace. Its a Record of all the words I would have said, had things not turned out the way they did, had you not become who you are and had you not made the choices you made.

I would have always wished you the best in life, for God to bless you with peace of mind and guidance towards true joy in this life and in the Eternal one.

I would have told you how much you are capable of achieving and all the good you have the potential to cause.
I would have hoped all your qualities make you create a wonderful presence in all the lives you know and love.

And with God as my witness, I still wish you all this and more.

I do not hate you for the choices you made.

But I do recognize you from these choices.  I recognize you for who you have become.

With a bond so intense, a relationship so close - with you and with my family - its inevitable that I figure things out gradually. You see the time I take to collect my thoughts as a lack of trust - What previous incident proves to you my disloyalty? When have I burdened you with dishonesty? Why must I recieve yours?

I cannot say that I'm sorry I'm more obliged to my loved ones then I'm to you. For I love them dearly, as I loved you, I did consider you family. But with the Almighty's grace, it is them I have a duty to love and protect. And I would make the same choice every time, God Willing.

Speaking of God, I called you "His cherished gift to me" once. No regrets. Just not the kind of gift I had foreseen. You have, single-handedly, taught me the meaning of the Hadith that says one shouldn't make a friend so close that they become an enemy.

Jazak Allah for every good intention you ever had towards me.

Good bye - Dear stranger,

May Allah bless you with the ability to chose the truth everytime. Ameen.

Just Lose Yourself.

"I love [insert some action you love], I just lose myself in there".

How easily, how naively we tend to use that phrase. As if it means only the bad within us is capable of being lost, leaving behind the peace for us to enjoy. As if losing oneself is the best, most liberating feeling; should one find such an opportunity, it should be welcomed with open arms.
Does it always deserve the glory?
What about when you lose yourself unintentionally? Even if for a while - what if losing yourself is a direct effect of a bigger - even if better - purpose? What happens when you are so severely lost that you don't remotely resemble yourself? How do you console yourself when you're in tears for things you never felt? How do you justify your emotions in situations you never linked to your own frikkin' self ?
Is losing yourself really that awesome a sensation.. when it feels like everything good about you just walked away in one unanimous move? Is losing yourself really empowering when it disassembles your insides and takes away every shield - rendering you defenseless and meek?
When you don't see it coming, losing yourself can be more than mere joy.. like intense confusion, like excruciating amnesia, like a stormy chaos.
And for a bitter after taste.. the journey of figuring out what went wrong..

Interculture.

You've got it all figured out, the path seems simple. Things are as clear as they can be in a real situation involving real people.

Principles, ethics, religion - its all in place.

Enter: Culture.

And then nothing is. No longer simple or straightforward, the world wobbles and repositions everything. Opinions, feelings, traditions - its all over the place.

Sometimes its too fine a line to walk and ironically, this one excruciating effort of giving in to culture isn't considered a step, let alone a huge one. Forget about the gesture of appreciation, it isn't even respected much. It's like a disease you had and now you better cure yourself, before you throw offences in every possible direction. In some cases, it is ignored just so it 'goes away'. Let's pretend you don't have this disease, so maybe you'll end up cured. In other cases, its considered an inevitable measure so why make a big deal out of it anyway?! Let's all together forget about acknowledging it at all.

I write this from the point-of-view of one who's grown up in a multi-cultural environment - rendering me an amateur in e.v.e.r.y. traditional context.

A word to the wise: respect.

Coffee beans on the couch.

[Found this draft in my archives, that never got published, but I absolutely miss these times! Reminiscent post, actually dated 27th Sept. '10]


Cruising 'round town in a Nissan Coaster Bus at 8.30 in the morning.. looking for an out, from the city to the highway... the change of routes adds the seaside to our view.. a welcome vision indeed. Off to work and the best kinda company.. food, heartfelt words, photoshop, confessions, graphics, warmth.. back on the bus before you know it.

A quick nap on the leather seat.. then the walk home.. chores, messed up sleep routine, messed up appetite. A quick stop in the blogworld.

[Alhamdulilah, for those memories...]

In search..

Raised above the clouds,

Drenched by the tides,

Fluttering merrily about,

Diving dangerously deep.

Soaring through the skies,

Drowning in the seas,

In search of patience,

In search of our peace..

...from the depth of your hearts.

I've an assignment deadline today thats 50% of my grade for the final year of my degree... Regardless of anything else, I cannot think of more ways at this point, and I would like to take a moment here to write this:

Whether you've known me only through this blog or you know me in-person, I would like to request anyone staring at this screen right now to please remember me in your prayers.

Jazak Allah Khair..

Destiny and meaning.

So there are times you feel life has no direction and everything is all over the place, everywhere.. EXCEPT where it should be. Then there are times you don't care, bow ur head n just keep walking through it. Turns out, there are also times where destiny gives you a tiny wake up call for majorly meaningful stuff coming up. It needs you to start paying attention.

I won't dive into cosmic calculations and meteorological meaning here but long story short - i got one of those wake up calls today. It's amazing how life works.. things falling out and in place, events unfolding in the weirdest ways.. I don't mean this in an unpractical optimistic way. It's the reality - things occur in a mystical manner, pieces don't fit and then those very pieces mold themselves into new ones.... and before you know you have new meaning to life. 

Courtesy Destiny. It means a lot.

By the time ...

By the time you make space for my arrival, I'll have departed.
By the time you count the miles, I will have walked them.
By the time you make your way to this point, I will have well-settled in another.
By the time your eyes reflect the stars, I will have navigated by them far away.
By the time you bring the cure to my pain, I will have miraculously recovered.
By the time you send me some strength, I will have learnt to depend on no human.
Rightfully so, a lesson taught
                                           - by the time we've spent together.

A new day.

Oh mischievous Mr. Sun,
You do know, it's no longer fun,
To mock the brevity of  my size, 
or liken it to the span of my life.
To be mysterious - I can only see so little of you,
But your glow never fails to weave through,
my life & the highlights of my existence.
I loathe the dark-knightly-pretense,
of leaving me in bliss and peace,
so you can face the stormy seas, 
to reach over alone to the other end,
still looking over me with a moonly stance.
Realize, you can never make the two sides meet,
better yet - just retreat.
Come join me, in an eternal embrace.
Come float with me, in your soothing blaze.
Through the mesmerizing strands of your gold rays,
With the blinding beauty of your face
- You make my day start.
Mr. Sun, you have my heart.

Peaceful Chaos

The sun - like the center of a ripple in the sky. The blue outstretch drenched in its light, layered by the solid fluffs of the clouds. Clouds with personalities - the bold, opaque ones stubbornly block out the sun, to make known their pearly white. And wherever it can, the sun pierces through these layers, it's rays sharp and distinct with rage. 

They have a much easier time with the toddler-clouds - tiny and light, they surrender to the sun and bathe in its light. Orange flurries with strokes of amber and crimson - you could mistake them for mini-flames in the sky.

Up above, in the glistening chaos of the pearly whites and the mini-flames, you weave your way - a fish gliding through soothing rivers, bathed and refreshed. 
In this one chaotic instant, peace feels eternal.




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Dear Immensely-Large Audience, 

I seem to have finally hit  a jackpot of inspiration.. resulting in the above post and 2 more to come... (all based on the theme of the sun and clouds) spent two hours this morning - purely inspired , writing frantically - oh  s-weet joy i yearned for!! Alhamdulilah -here i go! =)

A new sight

It's this new sight you're giving me. This different vision I've never seen before. Like being blindfolded and learning to identify objects just by the feel of them - you teach different from what I know.

And even though you contradict my knowledge sometimes, give things a different name, I like the melody of how it works.. how we work within that time frame.. and I follow, I learn this.. all knew, I see it in a different view.

For these are just objects and there worth is nothing more. The worth of what I seek is a million-fold more vital.. I pray to make it eternal.. that's the background to whatever I see =)