Terrorism at it's worst.

Terrorism is at it's worst when it is supported by those in positions of authority.

It is extremely naive and insensitive to assume that violence and abuse are restricted to the physical. Verbal and emotional abuse are very real crimes that cannot be accepted on the basis of human rights. This clearly establishes that filth of a film as an act of violence = terrorism.

One man's "freedom" should not be allowed to transform in to another one's pain... through disrespect and violence. It is inhuman.

There aren't new concepts, it is a shame to our generation that has to be said over and over.

Google has refused to take down the video from YouTube, despite a "request" from the White House (why a clear act of violence should be "requested" to stop when a mere "suspicion" of weapons of mass destruction must destroy a country - is puzzling indeed).. all in the name of "freedom of speech." That this "freedom" is abusing human rights cannot be comprehended by the entire Google corporation.

Not just in protest, in utter disgust of their insensitivity, I will no longer be using Google's Blogger or writing here.

An unsettling mess..

.... is how it feels inside me. There seems to be nothing "settled". Not that I was hoping for a retirement-vacation right about now but.. currently.. quiet litterally - every aspect- of my life is an "unsettled affair."

And it is quiet overwhelming and frustrating at the same time. Overwhelming because for far too long I've been able to reach deep inside my spiritual side and draw some strength, with certainty.. And now, there ain't no certain to reach! I'm just poking my hand in that soul of mine and it's turning it's pockets inside out to say "Uh huh.. i'm broke!".. it's frustrating because it's been far too long.

And neither of it is enough for me to be writing this rant of a post for my very-invisible readers but there seems to be this fear behind it all.. I don't know if it is a fear or a realization actually.. that maybe, somehow gradually and inevitably....... I'm falling out of love. With so much in life. With the meanings in those little moments and the adrenaline rush of others and that thrill of the unknown and the hope for my dreams.. that very steep upward curve of excitement is just falling into a blaaah-fied vertical stroke.

If it weren't for the people around me, for the support and help they need, I think I'd feel very little of myself left around.. like I'd say "Life, dude, I'm not even gonna ask you for a crunchy dead leaf for me to crush, cuz seriously i'm done with all the 'Oh-My-I-Want-To-Sky-Dive-In-My-PJ's' talk and the 'I-Need-to-Leave-A-Significantly-Good-Mark-Behind' fantasies, I just need to get this stuff done for the loved ones and Ima do it quietly in my corner and so spare me all those lessons I was supposed to learn for my own life and those moments that made the lessons worth it.. I'm done figuring that mess out.. *major eye roll*

And I've fallen out of love with adult-stage homosapiens in this age I guess.. Kid's are the only stage of human beings sensible enough to be interacted with, based on the simplicity and absolute-frankness they possess. They may not have it all figured out but they DO have the skill of communicating what they know & feel, sans the emotional-roller coaster, added cuteness and an open mind. And it ends there. Trust me. You try interacting with anyone above 4 feet 5".. you may as well talk to a giraffe and get it to sign an insurance policy.

And I've fallen out of love with the whole concept of a "sixth sense" .. because currently it ..or rather it's being correct ...caused me insomnia for well-over three months. -_- ..oh and my willpower, that's just the part of me I wanna m**n... this post just writes itself -_- ...no seriously, here I am tryina "feel" like a real human-being, "express" it and "live through" it and along comes Willpower and throws that emo-awesome-ness out the window, gets my butt a-moving..on to other stuff......... D=

... yeah, I know, pretty ungrateful and downright wretched of me.. not myself apparently, but despite the number of times I've heard that the previous months.. isn't that a direct consequence of being 'unsettled' you guys? V_V

Disappointment.

Its an easy concept to grasp. An instant emotion to feel.

Disappointed.

Its an easy word to say. Atleast, once you are old enough to speak clearly.

But it holds so much more than just the feeling of being let down, of having not met expectations. There's this element of heartbreak involved. This sinking feeling that things never were as great as you imagined. It has more than comes across when you say it. The person has this hope of making it up to you and moving on. Its almost encouraging to the said person.

But there's more where that came from. Disappointment isn't just a feeling to be dealt with - it could be a very real understanding of things as they dawn upon you. A very clear truth that settles its roots within you. You'd think if we didn't expect anything from anyone - we would be shielded from being disappointed. When really, all that takes is the wrong impression of what you consider a fact.

As in the case, of the news story below, no matter how little the percentage of disappointment - it can have a very real affect on a person.

http://gulfnews.com/news/gulf/uae/health/colas-in-uae-comply-with-required-standards-abu-dhabi-food-control-authority-1.1041829

Not everything we know..

I know you expected me to smile. Like a hearty, broad smile. When you gazed at me like you did - I know that's what you were waiting for me to do.

I know you expected me to say something. Like a welcome, embracing word. When we stood there for hours on end - I know that's what you were waiting for me to say.

I know you know the moment's been etched in my memory forever.

I expected you to know and you did.

But, dear one, it's little about what we know and a lot more about what we can do about it.
As far apart as time has pushed us, there's little to say or do. Or feel.

Be it in a fantasy or the reality, not everything we know is ...exactly what we feel.

Crisp.

The smell of fresh leaves,
the crisp sound of crushing old ones.
The mist in the air,
as it melts on my skin.

Its a routine we do,
Its ours till the end.
Its a feeling we make,
Its for us to live within.

Walking with a heavy head,
and sometimes light as air,
What is it that is wanted from us?
or from you? or from me?

Just silence and a little pain,
just noise and some joy.
A gulp and a breath,
to keep walking on.

Is it that's all there?
Is there more we're yet to see.
It seems a never-ending road,
or one that's just begun instead.

Haze in my head,
Dewy - my heart,
Quite - my mind,
They say its the perfect moment to pray.

...

Been 'springcleaning' for the past few days...though its a pleasant *and oh so rare* 14 degrees outside SubhanAllah ... =)

Newho, the back of one's cupboard (or the half of one's shelving & wardrobe unit) can be a beautiful yet surreal, reminiscence-causing  area. The photographs, the keepsakes, the souvenirs and those no1-knows-i-saved-this items can hold an entire lifetime within them when you've not even lived half of your life =D..

Well, let's just say amidst all the sweet memories made & touching experiences had..there are the inevitable bunch of grand-hiccups down the road .. the let-me-sing-loudly-to-myself-to-forget-that-ever-happened twists to our otherwise sunny bright journey.. And when you've had your fair share of these hiccups, or are bombarded by them one after the other for a signficant amount of time......... you become a sort've of "nostalgia-phobe".
You begin to dread missing anything ... there's a whole lotta bitter in that jar of sweet.. the emo in you is heavier on the see-saw than you're happy-go-lucky side.... you're still living out the part where it'll all balance and become a "mixed bag" or a series of "ups and downs"..... it's still a waiting period & you'd much rather anticipate & hope for the result uphill than cherish the effort at the bottom.

No surprises if I can relate to any of that.. although thankfully, I seem to be gradually making peace with the entire bitter part and actually begin to enjoy it as the unique aftertaste to AMPLE sweet I've had in my life so far Alhamdulilah =)..

Here's some post-appropriate lyrics from "Yaad" by Shehzad Roy (which is his only piece that I like):

Yaad 

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh naey gilay woh shikayatein 

Woh maze maze ki hikayathein

Kabhi rooththe kabhi maanthe

Woh sitham kabhi woh inayathein

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo din thay kitnay ajeeb thay,

Haan bus aik se naseeb thay.

Kay judaa na houn yahi khauwf tha,

Kabhi hum bhi itna qareeb thay.

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

....dewy memories aside, g'nite folks! ;)

My demons & my muse.

I thought I may as well churn the cheesy-cheese.
Write about how I felt - for my own relief.

And how I felt wasn't that uplifting or nice,
Something of the sort you'd call "quiet a surprise."

It wasn't supposed to feel as uncomfortable as this,
What you didn't really have.. how could you miss?

I wasn't meant to breath this unknown air,
I'd rather lay my heart bare.

That it would leave a little lump in my throat,
That it would carve a fleshy hole.

I didn't see it coming & hitting me this hard,
Expectations only work to raise the bar.

There's no good that ever comes out of them,
Why dwell into what you don't comprehend?

I would be forced to seek another refuge,
Neglecting your ears to preserve my muse.

I yearn to know what in me you fight,
I need to know I'm in this right.

That my prose would be shoved away with a sweet sugar coat,
A whiff of arrogance in a praise-worthy note.

I do not expect it for I do intend to be fair,
Yet humanity presents in imperfections my share.

I do pray it never matters as much as this night,
That I'm forever awed by the days bright.

Sight

I don't know what's going wrong,
what is right.
In the craziest ride along,
I've held on tight.
A sense of where we belong,
hoping for an actual sight.
Praying with an urge so strong,
for there to be no..
...nightmare tonight.

Buried Deep.

Buried deep.
Feels like an eternal sleep.

Exhausted from the screaming.
Dirt's all the support I'm held in.

Have food to keep me fuller,
Have tidy cloth for cover.

Why must I yearn more?
Flames behind every door.

Suppression - does it really matter?
Roll me a joint brother.

Let me rise in shades of gray.
Blown by the wind astray.

Stuck miserably in the same air,
Until Mercy descends on every inch, every hair.

Whatever comes up on this road.
Awaiting the day the sun folds.

9.

"Oh Lord, please! I know you love me... I love you too.. I know you'll accept this, accept it tonight... you can do anything you want.. accept this tonight..," she pleaded.
"Oh Lord, please summon me... take me to where you are. Let me meet you tonight." At 9 years of age, she was praying .. rather begging to die.

"At 9 years of age?" you ask me, "seriously?"

Ahan 9, I say - she'd rather die and meet with her Lord, than face this man or the consequences he would bring about and leave her in, forever.

"One messed up kid!" you say. I smile and nod.

But look at it this way, at 9 - she was much more assured of her Lord's Mercy than any mortal man. She knew that even if she'd die, she'd be fine with the Almighty. She just thought people in her own world, on the Earth wouldn't be all that kind anymore.
She just felt that by dawn - if she were dead, her Lord would be making space for her amongst the departed souls with perhaps a word or two about what she had done.
But if she lived to see the dawn of a new day - she would be worse than dead. She'd be alive among mere mortals who would punish her for her imperfections.. for her decisions.. for not breaking but smashing the rules to smithereens..
Most of all, she felt that one look at her and the Lord would understand why she did it - she was wrong but it was "understandable".. it was part of what she did as His human. Others would never get it.. she'd never be able to convey it the understandable-way because owning up to it would include all the guilt and embarrassment that would be a punishment itself.. they would just be disappointed and heartbroken.. they would never understand.. they'd say she was only and totally wrong.. she'd be stuck in that light forever.

Of course, at 9 years of age she didn't realize that the Lord wasn't just Merciful up there.. He was equally so for those of us still walking the Earth... that He was just as capable of making His creations be kind as He was of being Kind Himself. He understood even while she was alive.. and He made it all fine.. with all the people involved.

And obviously, having learnt that lesson.. it's impossible for her to not expect His Mercy again and again... and let Him be all she hopes from.

Some alone-time, all the time?

When it comes to forming new relationships, there are mostly two kinds of people you find out there. 

The "true love is forever" kind and the "relationships are meant to end" sort.

And the funny thing is, in the face of certain hardships, you can find people from both views wanting some "alone time". Occasionally, lovers take a break and even 'all time' friends may ask for some space. Others may just back out or disappear, thinking it was "inevitable". It doesn't matter which of those theories they believe in, you will find people from either ends reaching the "limit" to people's company and wanting sometime away "from the noise of the world". Their loved ones may say they 'understand' while others may accuse them of never committing fully to a bond or relationship.

The question is: Whether its to take a breather, or end it.... Who's got it all figured out?

Neither I say! The only sense there is to this: Human relationships are very human!. You can't expect an ever-changing, growing, evolving being like us humans, to have ONE way of interacting and making bonds. No, not all of our loved ones will stay that way and not all are gonna turn out to be sour lemons. 

  

How I see it, both these views depend on an extremely impractical thought: that humans are absolutely, 100% consistent in they way they think and perceive themselves as well as those around them. That is NOT humanly possible! 

So what I'm getting at here is that... inspite of how the b*****s out there don't affect us, and despite all the support from our "dependable-friends" or "loving family members" ... we are inherently alone all the time. Its a humanly truth, not a bitter one. 

There's a limit to how perfect or imperfect someone can be and that's the limit to your relationship with them.

The silver lining or should I say.....Absolutely-Amazingly-All-Encompassing Truth to this: we may be alone, but needn't be lonely.

No, this isn't going to turn into a sense-the-beauty-of-nature and indulge-in-your-favourite-hobbies lecture, for they too are human activities and there's only so much they can hold.

In fact, there is ONE Entity, who is closer to us.................. than our Jugular Vein. 

He Alone, is our Eternal Company = Always Present .. All-Hearing, All-Seeing, All-Merciful, Most-Beneficient and Beyond All The Praise that I can utter.

So quiet simply, it is when all your relationships are based on His Love, for His sake, that e.v.e.r.y. bond can be cherished without there being any heartbreak, and only g.r.e.a.t.e.r. love. 

For there is nothing to expect out of anyone except Him, and there is nothing due to anyone except the love He has asked you to give for His sake.  That Love is indeed true, yet the only relationship you have is with the Almighty.

It is a beautiful mechanism, really.. and one that deflates any speck of an ego left within us.

Around the house!

Continuing from the previous post, being home has its advantages.. you finally get down to completing those half-done diy projects, here are some of mine:

Part of a wall-mural I made.. Some of the butterflies are popping out cuz they've been stuck on, while others have been painted =]

A runner-and-seat-cover set I fashioned from some scrap cloth.

Canvas wall hangings, also fashioned from scrap cloth.

Oooh (off topic) and a butterfly stopped by our house the other day =D

A pillow case I stitched recently.. Scrap Cloth diy again.

Have been cooking loads lately so maybe I should be starting a "Dudey's Kitchen" Series ;)

Around town!

Been cooped up in the house for too long, here's a few out and about pics from my world:

A tiny fountain at the Abu Dhabi Corniche, that's absolutely lovely in the winters.

A dash of red amidst all the city-grey..

Rare, abstract sign art in Auh.

Driving into the Sunshine =D .. Dubai-Abu Dhabi Highway..

That's one long title for a movie! (in Malayalam I believe)

A construction site being fitted with designer panels that look like wedding brides with veils.

Quirky, damn-expensive socks I discovered while gift-shopping.

Quote plates at Gulf Greetings.

Quote plate with a point! (Gulf-Greetings)

I really like this teddy and he appears here as a stuffed toy.. with barely any eyes so he's almost Halal i guess =D

Creative advertising, much?

Genuinely cute trolley bag I discovered, at a tiny shop, near my place.

Like cold water on a warm heart..

Its that dreaded feeling.. the one that makes you cringe and shudder. I always speak out aloud to stop that train of thoughts.. something like " lalalala.. so what else is new?!" .. it makes many an outsider give me a quizzical look => did this lady just ask herself what else is new?! crazier than crazy i guess.. =D

Its the feeling I get lately, when I think of you. Because truely, genuinely.. I don't want you to become a memory, lying in the dust at the back of my mind.. People in your role, people like you, always have a great impact on their young ones. They tell me I was too young, they say its natural that I've a hard time remembering.

To be honest, it really seems insane to me. Like in this short number of years I've lived, YOU is who my brain decides to forget things about. Its like a constant fight between my mind and brain. The psychological existence needs to remember every bit.. The physical brain cells are giving up on their neural pathways. Its a defeat I would never want to accept.. Its a feeling I so totally dread. I don't want you to be a memory.
I'm trying my best to hold onto every bit I can think of.. yet somethings go missing that others need to bring back into my thoughts again.. I hate that.. you were as much mine as theirs. Why would they dwell in the sweetness of all that they hold within, while I search repeatedly for every bit all over again? Is it a little unfair I got the littlest of you..? Am I supposedly feeling deprived?

No, you would expect better of me than that. You would know I'm above and beyond that, you always were. I'm yours and you would expect the same, if not better, from me.

But let's be clear about one thing, I don't want to find you in the emptiness or lacking in others.. I don't want to feel you through your absence. I want your presence to feel like a fresh thought. I want that feeling and thought to be mine.

Dudey's Doodles II

A doodle with an explanation.. a labelled illustration, if you will.

Also, this may not be how I look like in the real world, but as Morpheus explained to Neo in the Matrix: 

"Your appearance now is what we call "residual self image". It is the mental projection of your digital self." ;-)

Nightly Demons.

Two little demons haunted me last night. Here's the results of those mental conversations:

"Do's and Don'ts"

Don't blow me a kiss,
I'll spit it out.
Don't whisper to me,
Unless you wanna hear me shout.
Don't gaze into my limpid pools,
I'll drown you instead.
Don't express your sentiments,
Unless you wanna lose your head.
Don't bring me your inner-most wounds to heal,
Unless its a bullet you want to feel.

DO look away from this worthless being.
unless you wish to become a part of what you're seeing.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Who's to say?"

Is it just me or did the fog in my head just expand?
Must I really experience life first hand?
Time and again, I find myself searching for the pause button.
Couldn't the "show" go on with a drawn curtain?
They say change is constant - it has no end,
Heck, why must time be thus spent?
They say life can't be lived in a box shut tight,
but what if within it my peace lies?
I could keep questioning every turn, skip and step,
But who's to say what I'll love, what I'll regret.

Dudey's Doodles I

A Dizzy Daze..

Round and round.. here's the spin.  I grab on tight till the very end. The floor goes up, the ceiling dives down. The whole wide world whirls around.
And when it stops, I smash into the glass. A pounding heart but silence atlast! The slide down, ever-so-soothing. Like flowing water, like dripping ink.

Not everlasting, its just a phase. Not a chaos, I'm in a dizzy daze.

A dear stranger indeed.

I've been on a journey of it all with you - the interests, the confessions, the heartfelt words, the genuine actions, the drama, the deceit, the lies, the justifications and now, the ending of a bond I was under the illusion existed. Might as well do the blog post =) This is Not a mental ranting that's bringing you shame or bringing me peace. Its a Record of all the words I would have said, had things not turned out the way they did, had you not become who you are and had you not made the choices you made.

I would have always wished you the best in life, for God to bless you with peace of mind and guidance towards true joy in this life and in the Eternal one.

I would have told you how much you are capable of achieving and all the good you have the potential to cause.
I would have hoped all your qualities make you create a wonderful presence in all the lives you know and love.

And with God as my witness, I still wish you all this and more.

I do not hate you for the choices you made.

But I do recognize you from these choices.  I recognize you for who you have become.

With a bond so intense, a relationship so close - with you and with my family - its inevitable that I figure things out gradually. You see the time I take to collect my thoughts as a lack of trust - What previous incident proves to you my disloyalty? When have I burdened you with dishonesty? Why must I recieve yours?

I cannot say that I'm sorry I'm more obliged to my loved ones then I'm to you. For I love them dearly, as I loved you, I did consider you family. But with the Almighty's grace, it is them I have a duty to love and protect. And I would make the same choice every time, God Willing.

Speaking of God, I called you "His cherished gift to me" once. No regrets. Just not the kind of gift I had foreseen. You have, single-handedly, taught me the meaning of the Hadith that says one shouldn't make a friend so close that they become an enemy.

Jazak Allah for every good intention you ever had towards me.

Good bye - Dear stranger,

May Allah bless you with the ability to chose the truth everytime. Ameen.

Just Lose Yourself.

"I love [insert some action you love], I just lose myself in there".

How easily, how naively we tend to use that phrase. As if it means only the bad within us is capable of being lost, leaving behind the peace for us to enjoy. As if losing oneself is the best, most liberating feeling; should one find such an opportunity, it should be welcomed with open arms.
Does it always deserve the glory?
What about when you lose yourself unintentionally? Even if for a while - what if losing yourself is a direct effect of a bigger - even if better - purpose? What happens when you are so severely lost that you don't remotely resemble yourself? How do you console yourself when you're in tears for things you never felt? How do you justify your emotions in situations you never linked to your own frikkin' self ?
Is losing yourself really that awesome a sensation.. when it feels like everything good about you just walked away in one unanimous move? Is losing yourself really empowering when it disassembles your insides and takes away every shield - rendering you defenseless and meek?
When you don't see it coming, losing yourself can be more than mere joy.. like intense confusion, like excruciating amnesia, like a stormy chaos.
And for a bitter after taste.. the journey of figuring out what went wrong..