Its that dreaded feeling.. the one that makes you cringe and shudder. I always speak out aloud to stop that train of thoughts.. something like " lalalala.. so what else is new?!" .. it makes many an outsider give me a quizzical look => did this lady just ask herself what else is new?! crazier than crazy i guess.. =D
Its the feeling I get lately, when I think of you. Because truely, genuinely.. I don't want you to become a memory, lying in the dust at the back of my mind.. People in your role, people like you, always have a great impact on their young ones. They tell me I was too young, they say its natural that I've a hard time remembering.
To be honest, it really seems insane to me. Like in this short number of years I've lived, YOU is who my brain decides to forget things about. Its like a constant fight between my mind and brain. The psychological existence needs to remember every bit.. The physical brain cells are giving up on their neural pathways. Its a defeat I would never want to accept.. Its a feeling I so totally dread. I don't want you to be a memory.
I'm trying my best to hold onto every bit I can think of.. yet somethings go missing that others need to bring back into my thoughts again.. I hate that.. you were as much mine as theirs. Why would they dwell in the sweetness of all that they hold within, while I search repeatedly for every bit all over again? Is it a little unfair I got the littlest of you..? Am I supposedly feeling deprived?
No, you would expect better of me than that. You would know I'm above and beyond that, you always were. I'm yours and you would expect the same, if not better, from me.
But let's be clear about one thing, I don't want to find you in the emptiness or lacking in others.. I don't want to feel you through your absence. I want your presence to feel like a fresh thought. I want that feeling and thought to be mine.
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