Not everything we know..

I know you expected me to smile. Like a hearty, broad smile. When you gazed at me like you did - I know that's what you were waiting for me to do.

I know you expected me to say something. Like a welcome, embracing word. When we stood there for hours on end - I know that's what you were waiting for me to say.

I know you know the moment's been etched in my memory forever.

I expected you to know and you did.

But, dear one, it's little about what we know and a lot more about what we can do about it.
As far apart as time has pushed us, there's little to say or do. Or feel.

Be it in a fantasy or the reality, not everything we know is ...exactly what we feel.

Crisp.

The smell of fresh leaves,
the crisp sound of crushing old ones.
The mist in the air,
as it melts on my skin.

Its a routine we do,
Its ours till the end.
Its a feeling we make,
Its for us to live within.

Walking with a heavy head,
and sometimes light as air,
What is it that is wanted from us?
or from you? or from me?

Just silence and a little pain,
just noise and some joy.
A gulp and a breath,
to keep walking on.

Is it that's all there?
Is there more we're yet to see.
It seems a never-ending road,
or one that's just begun instead.

Haze in my head,
Dewy - my heart,
Quite - my mind,
They say its the perfect moment to pray.

...

Been 'springcleaning' for the past few days...though its a pleasant *and oh so rare* 14 degrees outside SubhanAllah ... =)

Newho, the back of one's cupboard (or the half of one's shelving & wardrobe unit) can be a beautiful yet surreal, reminiscence-causing  area. The photographs, the keepsakes, the souvenirs and those no1-knows-i-saved-this items can hold an entire lifetime within them when you've not even lived half of your life =D..

Well, let's just say amidst all the sweet memories made & touching experiences had..there are the inevitable bunch of grand-hiccups down the road .. the let-me-sing-loudly-to-myself-to-forget-that-ever-happened twists to our otherwise sunny bright journey.. And when you've had your fair share of these hiccups, or are bombarded by them one after the other for a signficant amount of time......... you become a sort've of "nostalgia-phobe".
You begin to dread missing anything ... there's a whole lotta bitter in that jar of sweet.. the emo in you is heavier on the see-saw than you're happy-go-lucky side.... you're still living out the part where it'll all balance and become a "mixed bag" or a series of "ups and downs"..... it's still a waiting period & you'd much rather anticipate & hope for the result uphill than cherish the effort at the bottom.

No surprises if I can relate to any of that.. although thankfully, I seem to be gradually making peace with the entire bitter part and actually begin to enjoy it as the unique aftertaste to AMPLE sweet I've had in my life so far Alhamdulilah =)..

Here's some post-appropriate lyrics from "Yaad" by Shehzad Roy (which is his only piece that I like):

Yaad 

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh naey gilay woh shikayatein 

Woh maze maze ki hikayathein

Kabhi rooththe kabhi maanthe

Woh sitham kabhi woh inayathein

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Mujhe sab hay yaad

Zara zara..

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Woh jo hum mein tum mein qarar tha,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Woh jo din thay kitnay ajeeb thay,

Haan bus aik se naseeb thay.

Kay judaa na houn yahi khauwf tha,

Kabhi hum bhi itna qareeb thay.

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Woh jo waada meinay wafa kiya,

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Jo na mit sakey wahi pyar tha

Tumhe yaad ho k na yaad ho.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

....dewy memories aside, g'nite folks! ;)

My demons & my muse.

I thought I may as well churn the cheesy-cheese.
Write about how I felt - for my own relief.

And how I felt wasn't that uplifting or nice,
Something of the sort you'd call "quiet a surprise."

It wasn't supposed to feel as uncomfortable as this,
What you didn't really have.. how could you miss?

I wasn't meant to breath this unknown air,
I'd rather lay my heart bare.

That it would leave a little lump in my throat,
That it would carve a fleshy hole.

I didn't see it coming & hitting me this hard,
Expectations only work to raise the bar.

There's no good that ever comes out of them,
Why dwell into what you don't comprehend?

I would be forced to seek another refuge,
Neglecting your ears to preserve my muse.

I yearn to know what in me you fight,
I need to know I'm in this right.

That my prose would be shoved away with a sweet sugar coat,
A whiff of arrogance in a praise-worthy note.

I do not expect it for I do intend to be fair,
Yet humanity presents in imperfections my share.

I do pray it never matters as much as this night,
That I'm forever awed by the days bright.

Sight

I don't know what's going wrong,
what is right.
In the craziest ride along,
I've held on tight.
A sense of where we belong,
hoping for an actual sight.
Praying with an urge so strong,
for there to be no..
...nightmare tonight.

Buried Deep.

Buried deep.
Feels like an eternal sleep.

Exhausted from the screaming.
Dirt's all the support I'm held in.

Have food to keep me fuller,
Have tidy cloth for cover.

Why must I yearn more?
Flames behind every door.

Suppression - does it really matter?
Roll me a joint brother.

Let me rise in shades of gray.
Blown by the wind astray.

Stuck miserably in the same air,
Until Mercy descends on every inch, every hair.

Whatever comes up on this road.
Awaiting the day the sun folds.

9.

"Oh Lord, please! I know you love me... I love you too.. I know you'll accept this, accept it tonight... you can do anything you want.. accept this tonight..," she pleaded.
"Oh Lord, please summon me... take me to where you are. Let me meet you tonight." At 9 years of age, she was praying .. rather begging to die.

"At 9 years of age?" you ask me, "seriously?"

Ahan 9, I say - she'd rather die and meet with her Lord, than face this man or the consequences he would bring about and leave her in, forever.

"One messed up kid!" you say. I smile and nod.

But look at it this way, at 9 - she was much more assured of her Lord's Mercy than any mortal man. She knew that even if she'd die, she'd be fine with the Almighty. She just thought people in her own world, on the Earth wouldn't be all that kind anymore.
She just felt that by dawn - if she were dead, her Lord would be making space for her amongst the departed souls with perhaps a word or two about what she had done.
But if she lived to see the dawn of a new day - she would be worse than dead. She'd be alive among mere mortals who would punish her for her imperfections.. for her decisions.. for not breaking but smashing the rules to smithereens..
Most of all, she felt that one look at her and the Lord would understand why she did it - she was wrong but it was "understandable".. it was part of what she did as His human. Others would never get it.. she'd never be able to convey it the understandable-way because owning up to it would include all the guilt and embarrassment that would be a punishment itself.. they would just be disappointed and heartbroken.. they would never understand.. they'd say she was only and totally wrong.. she'd be stuck in that light forever.

Of course, at 9 years of age she didn't realize that the Lord wasn't just Merciful up there.. He was equally so for those of us still walking the Earth... that He was just as capable of making His creations be kind as He was of being Kind Himself. He understood even while she was alive.. and He made it all fine.. with all the people involved.

And obviously, having learnt that lesson.. it's impossible for her to not expect His Mercy again and again... and let Him be all she hopes from.